Day Six - A New Week

As planned, Sunday was my "off" day. I had a big breakfast but not much else through the day. I find that I don't drink as much water on the weekends. It's good to be starting another week. It supposed to take nearly a month to move an activity from routine to habit. So every day that passes where I journal my eating behavior and workout is one day closer to making this more lifestyle than anomaly. Not much else to say today except that the Chicago Bears dominated San Francisco and remain undefeated. That's very exciting! Here's what I ate yesterday:

2egg cheese omelet
12 oz. raw milk
2 slices buttered whole wheat toast (blackberry fruit spread on one)
3 slices bacon
4 oz. peach cider

32 oz. water
46 small red seedless grapes

4 slices frozen pizza
12 oz. raw milk

1 medium pear
32 oz. water

Day Five - Disappointment

Yesterday was my weekly weigh-in and I won't pretend that I wasn't disappointed. After several days of an increased workout and very disciplined eating the scale had not changed over last week. However, it's not total disappointment because I have a scale that is also a body fat analyzer and according to that I dropped one percentage point of body fat. I've been steady at 37% forever and yesterday it read 36%. That's a drop of 2.56 pounds of fat that's been replaced by muscle. I'll take that, but I still want to lose overall weight. I'm not discouraged, just disappointed. The difference is that, being discouraged has often led me, in the past, to giving up completely. Disappointment will drive me to look for other changes I can make. It's important to stick with something longer than I have before deciding it's not working. If there is no change after next week's weigh-in and I've followed the regimen for the whole week, then I'll need to readjust something in my plan. I did relax a little in the eating yesterday in that I had a little treat at the end of the day. You'll see it on the list. It is the weekend.

Weekly weigh-in results:
Weight - 268.5
Body Fat - 36%

Day Four Food Journal:
12 oz. raw milk
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
bowl of oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar

32 oz. water

1 cup bbq baked beans
bbq potato chips

bbq potato chips
23 small seedless red grapes
32 oz. water

4 slices frozen pizza (Red Baron Supreme)
chocolate milkshake

Day Four - The Weekend

Keeping routines on the weekend is a bit more of a challenge. I don't have to go to work and I get to sleep in a little. I usually find plenty to keep me busy. Today I'm spending time with my sponsor doing some fourth step work. Overall I'm pleased with my start on this new plan, but aware that the weekend can serve as a disruption if I'm not careful. I've come to realize that disruptions to my schedule are a challenge to my recovery. It's important to work on my attitude toward the weekend because it's not really a true disruption since weekends typically happen on a weekly basis! So, I'm going to keep my food journal straight through. I am going to take a one day break from my workout because I believe that's healthy. As for eating, here's how yesterday went:

32 oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 oz. raw milk

35 small red seedless grapes
64 oz. water

meatloaf
3/4 cup of bbq baked beans
4 oz. peach cider

32 oz. water

chicken fried rice
12 small red seedless grapes
12 oz. raw milk

popcorn (1/4 cup unpopped) with butter and salt
32 oz. water

I should share my awareness that Halloween is fast approaching. That means there will be tons of candy and a potluck luncheon at work. I'm planning ahead so as not to be caught off guard that day.

Day Three - The Power of the Pad

It's amazing what a little notepad in my pocket can do. Yesterday I got up, blogged, did my workout and got ready for work. As soon as I walked in the door at work there was a plate of fresh baked cookies someone had brought in for the office. Just a few days ago I would have taken one (more likely two or three) even though it was eight in the morning and I'm determined to stick to a diet. Yesterday I didn't take a cookie. There are also places around the building where people keep little baskets of candy and other food shows up on regular occasions. I confess I've gotten into the habit of grazing during the day when I'm bored at my desk. But for the past two days I haven't done any of that and I chalk it up to the power of the pad in my pocket. Since I've determined to keep a food journal and promised to report it here, I'm forced to think about every single thing I put in my mouth. Just knowing I'll have to pull out the little pad of paper and write "cookie" or "candy bar" has been enough of a deterrent that I've lost any interest in eating those things. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm enjoying the discipline of recording my food. Here's yesterday's list:

32 oz. water
12 oz. raw milk
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast

64 oz. water
29 small red seedless grapes
3 oz. portion of chicken breast

6 oz. can of tuna in water with 1 Tbsp. of Miracle Whip
14 corn tortilla chips with 2 Tbsp. of salsa
4 oz. of peach cider

32 oz. of water

meatloaf
1 cup cooked broccoli
12 oz. raw milk

32 oz. water

I'll be back again tomorrow for the update. Right now it's off to my workout.

Day Two

One day at a time is one of the most famous cliches in recovery. And it's a good one. This is day two of my sobriety when it comes to eating and exercise. It's funny how easy it is to say "one day at a time" but how incredibly difficult it is to actually do it. Walking home from my workout yesterday morning my addict wanted to think about how hard it would be to get up tomorrow and how boring this routine will be by next week. My brain starts anticipating the weight loss, setting me up for disappointment if I fall short of the unrealistic goal that starts to get planted in my head by my addictive need for instant gratification. It's remarkable what a struggle it is to simply enjoy the moment. Celebrating the fact that I did workout, I did eat reasonably, I did get up on time again this morning is yet another discipline to work on. One day at a time is a huge key to succeeding at this process of getting a handle on my eating and exercise disciplines.

Here's the report. I've adjusted my workout to get in some weight training and a full 30 minutes of aerobic exercise with my heart rate about 160 for at least 20 minutes of that. As for food, this is what I recorded yesterday:

32 oz. water
2 seedless red grapes
14 oz. raw milk

snack
45 small seedless red grapes
64 oz. water (throughout the course of the morning)

lunch
6 oz. chunk light tuna in water with 1 tbsp. Miracle Whip
13 corn tortilla chips with 2 tbsp. salsa
4 oz. peach cider

snack
1 medium granny smith apple
32 oz. water

dinner
1 cup bbq baked beans
tuna noodle casserole with peas
12 oz. raw milk

32 oz. water (later in the evening)

Here's to Day Two and the hope that I can enjoy the moment.

Let's try this (Day One)

By far my biggest struggle, in terms of addictive behavior, is my battle with food as a source of comfort, congratulation, consolation and companionship. In 1991 I signed-up for the NutriSystem program. This was back when you visited a center on a weekly basis, got some coaching, went to support groups and ate only their food. I lost 65 pounds from June to October that year. I looked great, felt great and was very happy about my physical appearance. Over the next few years I (you know what's coming) gained it all back plus a little more. Now, fifteen years later, I'm trying to lose 80 pounds but I'm doing it on my own. Not successfully. I'm working to establish a regular workout routine with a goal of getting up early and doing some weight training and aerobics six days a week. Five days one week is the best I've accomplished over the last four weeks. It's like I have this embedded roadblock when it comes to succeeding in this area. Last night I talked about it again in my support group. The men in my group all want me to succeed, but they aren't going to do this for me. After the group I came home and promptly popped a big bowl of popcorn, added lots of butter and salt and ate almost the whole thing. It was 8:30 at night. It's 5:30 in the morning now and I awoke this morning with a plan...another one.

Let's try this. I'm going to post on this blog every day. What I'm going to post is my food journal, a list of every single thing I eat. I'm also going to post an exercise journal. If I don't post one day it means either I didn't eat properly or I didn't get up and workout that day. Sunday is my off day as a weekly break is important to keeping up with this routine. I'm going to post it here to give anyone who reads this a chance to encourage me and hold me accountable. This is one area I've consistently struggled with and that's keeping me from truly recovering life. One reason for this blog is to help me in my recovery. Let's see how it really works as a tool to keep me honest in this, my biggest challenge. If you read this and want to be part of my support team (that just means commenting when you have something to say) I'd appreciate it if you'd post a comment here. Thanks! Here goes day one...

A Theory Tested

Yesterday after church a couple invited my wife and me out to brunch. My wife invited another couple making six of us around the table. The couple my wife invited are working with her to bring a recovery support group to the church. The couple that invited us initially aren't involved in the effort and, as far as I know, don't know anything about it or our involvement in recovery. I've had this theory for a while now that church should be like a recovery group. It should be the place where people can freely share their stuff without fear of judgment. At the same time, having worked in the church for many years, I know the reality is that church isn't a safe place and doesn't operate like a recovery group very often.

During our brunch with a couple we'd really just met my wife started talking about recovery. For all the theory and over two years into my recovery I must admit I suddenly became very uncomfortable. She just casually launched into this conversation about addiction and recovery with relative strangers as if it was common meal conversation. After I got over the shock of it I found that I was angry. I think my anger was over being "outed" in public. She never divulged my particular addiction. But it was clear that I was in a recovery group along with her. The couple she invited joined right in on the conversation with the husband admitting his addiction and recovery. My emotions were flying around inside but on the outside I looked as calm as anything. I worked through my internal dialogue and eventually joined in on the conversation.

The couple we just met seemed genuinely interested in the whole process of recovery. We quickly went to a level of conversation that was much deeper than I expected. At some point the wife of the new couple shared something very personal from her life experience. It was something she said she has avoided sharing in other conversations with people from church because she feared judgment and rejection. By the end of our time together the six of us had actually shared in meaningful human interaction. We had been vulnerable and real with each other in ways that, in theory, I wish would happen more often. My theory was tested and my initial reaction was not good. In the end, though, it became clearer that everyone has stuff in their life. Stuff they need to share for their own health. Stuff that binds us together as human beings who can care for each other if only we'll let others in. My addict still fights letting anyone know the real me. It's a skill honed over a lifetime and one that I need to unlearn if I'm to continue getting healthy.

One final caution. I still believe it's important to use discretion when it comes to sharing my addiction and recovery. I need to discern who can deal with that level of sharing and when it's not safe for me or them to do so. I think my wife errs on the side of being too open too quickly with too many people. Admittedly, I err on the opposite side of the line. Maybe together we can find a healthy balance and engage in deeper, more meaningful relationships with others.