Monday, November 06, 2006

Day Thirteen - Back to the Drawing Board

It was a bad weekend. In my last post I mentioned weigh-in day. It was a huge disappointment and I didn't handle it well. I didn't eat like crazy or anything. It was just emotionally difficult. Much of the weekend was spent in a major wrestling match with my addictive personality. The temptation to give up was very strong. Some of my other addictive behaviors came after me with a vengeance. Overall, it was a very big battle. The good news is that when my alarm went off at 5 a.m. this morning I didn't roll over and give up. I'm still here! Although I did not lose a single pound this past week, my clothes are getting a bit looser, and my physical condition is improving. My food journal resumes today. Each battle is hard, but the war is not over. I refuse to stop recovering life.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Day Eleven - Anticipation

This has been a very good week. Halloween came and went without ruining my discipline. Last night there was this quarterly get together with a bunch of guys. We call it Guys Movie Night and it includes dinner and watching a movie then talking about it. These kinds of meals out always present an opportunity to get carried away. Last night I went in knowing I didn't want to blow a week of good behavior...and I didn't. That is very satisfying. I allowed myself a little indulgence but was totally aware the whole time of the risk of losing control. By the end of the night, I was very happy with how things went. Later this morning is my weekly weigh-in. Last week I hadn't lost any weight but my fat percentage had dropped by one point. This week I think I'll be really, really disappointed if I haven't lost weight. It feels like I've stepped things up and made some adjustments in order to make that happen. I have to remind myself that the scale is just a measuring device. If the measurement isn't what I expect, I simply need to make further adjustments. In my addictive past I've abandoned all hope when the measurement wasn't what I wanted. That's the self-destructive choice and I hope I'm healthy enough to avoid that, even if my weigh-in doesn't go as planned. Here's yesterday, and remember last night was a bit more than normal...

32 oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 oz. raw milk

64 oz. water
1 medium apple

4 slices frozen pizza (leftovers)
1/2 cup homemade granola
12 oz. raw milk

32 oz. water
2 chocolate chip cookies

1 bowl pasta e fagioli soup
1 slice french bread with butter
squash & pear salad
16 oz. Lipton Brisk Ice Tea with lemon and sugar
1/3 cup M&M candy
1 doughnut

Friday, November 03, 2006

Day Ten - Double Digits

One day at a time adds up. As I've shared here, it's a struggle for me to live one day at a time. My mind races ahead to the next day, the next big event, a time when I'll be 80 pounds lighter. The irony is, by racing ahead my ability to actually achieve my goals is damaged. In a recovery meeting this week I likened it to learning to write with your opposite hand. Even writing my name that way takes much thought and concentration. To write with my dominate hand is automatic. I don't even think about it. Learning to live in, and enjoy, the moment is an exercise in focused concentration that takes a fair amount of mental energy. The good thing about the process, however, is that the day will come where the new thinking will become automatic. If I were to practice writing my name with my opposite hand every day, eventually that would become effortless, too. I'm excited about right now and thankful that I've come this far. I'm learning how to let that be enough. Here's yesterday...

32 oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 oz. raw milk

1 small pear
64 oz. water

6 oz. tuna with Tbsp. Miracle Whip
2 slices whole wheat bread
1/2 cup organic yogurt
1/2 cup homemade granola

64 oz. water
1 Tbsp. homemade granola
1 medium apple
15 pretzel twists

6 oz. chicken breast
vermicelli/rice mix
corn
12 oz. milk

12 oz. peach cider

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Day Nine - The Morning After

An interesting part of recovery is the increased awareness. When I'm not masking my emotions or blindly reacting there are suddenly little nuances in life that become apparent. Halloween wasn't a disaster by any stretch in terms of my eating, but it wasn't as disciplined as I'd hoped. It was great to be past that day and to gain some learning for the holidays that are fast approaching. One thing that surprised me is the residual effect it had the day after. I struggled more yesterday with urges to eat inappropriately than I have since starting this discipline. The good news is that I was aware of it and chose healthy alternatives. It won't be a surprise if there are still some lingering effects today. Knowing that it's a possibility makes it better going in. That's one of the great things about recovery. I'm expanding my knowledge and experience of it every day and learning how to apply it to the next day. It's true what they say, if you fail to learn from your mistakes, you're doomed to repeat them. Here's how November started...

32 oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 oz. raw milk

1 small pear
64 oz. water

1 can Campbell's clam chowder with goldfish crackers
4 oz. peach cider

1 medium apple
32 oz. water
1/2 cup chicken fried rice (leftovers)

4 slices Tombstone frozen pizza
1 cup homemade granola
1 tsp. Nutella spread
12 oz. raw milk

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Day Eight - Grace on All Hallow's Eve

There always food at work. There's a guy whose wife bakes cookies each month when we celebrate birthdays in our department. They come fresh out of the oven and still warm. There are places you can go and get a mini candy bar from little bowls that are spread around the building and open to everyone. There are random platters of treats that show up at the coffee island in our area. I know about all this and, as part of this plan, prepared myself mentally to avoid those traps. It's only been a week, but so far, so good. At Halloween everyone in the company dresses up and every department decorates according to a theme. In our department there is a big potluck meal and tons of candy. There are some days when I need to exercise a little grace with myself and this is one of them.

Grace is a difficult lesson for an addict to learn. Part of what has created and fed my addict through the years is a lack of grace. My stepfather wasn't a gracious man. That and other things contributed to insecurity and a very harsh, self-critical spirit. Standards I could never meet became ones I embraced. To comfort myself when I failed (and when you set impossibly high standards failure happens regularly) I chose food, among other things. It's an interesting dynamic now that I've identified my eating habits as a problem and I've set a very high standard for myself. My addictive personality wants to beat me up when I eat too much, thereby missing the mark I've set. Missing the mark is failure, which triggers my addictive urge to eat for comfort. You can see how this can become a downward spiral very quickly. The best way out of this is the application of a little grace.

I'm not going to list what I ate on Halloween. It wasn't excessive, but it was more than I had hoped I might eat. It's not going to derail my overall goal. I'm back at it this morning and, as soon as I post this I'm headed over to workout. I've recorded almost everything I ate, but it feels like I would be overly harsh on myself if I were to post it. Grace is the order of the day and a chance for me to learn how to live with not being perfect. And I don't care that my addict doesn't like that!

Day Seven - A Night Out

Part of this whole process is to be able to live in the real world and have a real life. On Monday nights during the football season a friend of mine and I get together and head to a local sports bar to watch football and play this interactive game where you guess the plays on the field. I always plan on this night in my schedule. And I anticipate that it will include some level of food and drink. Just to clarify, alcohol is not one of my addictions and it's not something I struggle with. For those who do, this post is not meant to offend. I'm committed to listing all the things I've eaten. I'm also planning ahead for Halloween. Here's how Monday went:

32oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 raw milk

64 oz. water
1 med. pear

6 oz. tuna with 1 Tbsp. Miracle Whip
10 pretzel twists
1/2 cup organic yogurt with 2 Tbsp. homemade granola
4 oz. peach cider

32 oz. water
1 medium apple

6 oz. pork chop
1 small red potato diced and fried
1 cup green peas
12 oz. raw milk

16 oz. beer
basket of onion rings
3 mini corn dogs
32 oz. water