Monday, October 09, 2006

A Theory Tested

Yesterday after church a couple invited my wife and me out to brunch. My wife invited another couple making six of us around the table. The couple my wife invited are working with her to bring a recovery support group to the church. The couple that invited us initially aren't involved in the effort and, as far as I know, don't know anything about it or our involvement in recovery. I've had this theory for a while now that church should be like a recovery group. It should be the place where people can freely share their stuff without fear of judgment. At the same time, having worked in the church for many years, I know the reality is that church isn't a safe place and doesn't operate like a recovery group very often.

During our brunch with a couple we'd really just met my wife started talking about recovery. For all the theory and over two years into my recovery I must admit I suddenly became very uncomfortable. She just casually launched into this conversation about addiction and recovery with relative strangers as if it was common meal conversation. After I got over the shock of it I found that I was angry. I think my anger was over being "outed" in public. She never divulged my particular addiction. But it was clear that I was in a recovery group along with her. The couple she invited joined right in on the conversation with the husband admitting his addiction and recovery. My emotions were flying around inside but on the outside I looked as calm as anything. I worked through my internal dialogue and eventually joined in on the conversation.

The couple we just met seemed genuinely interested in the whole process of recovery. We quickly went to a level of conversation that was much deeper than I expected. At some point the wife of the new couple shared something very personal from her life experience. It was something she said she has avoided sharing in other conversations with people from church because she feared judgment and rejection. By the end of our time together the six of us had actually shared in meaningful human interaction. We had been vulnerable and real with each other in ways that, in theory, I wish would happen more often. My theory was tested and my initial reaction was not good. In the end, though, it became clearer that everyone has stuff in their life. Stuff they need to share for their own health. Stuff that binds us together as human beings who can care for each other if only we'll let others in. My addict still fights letting anyone know the real me. It's a skill honed over a lifetime and one that I need to unlearn if I'm to continue getting healthy.

One final caution. I still believe it's important to use discretion when it comes to sharing my addiction and recovery. I need to discern who can deal with that level of sharing and when it's not safe for me or them to do so. I think my wife errs on the side of being too open too quickly with too many people. Admittedly, I err on the opposite side of the line. Maybe together we can find a healthy balance and engage in deeper, more meaningful relationships with others.

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