One of my all time favorite movies is The Princess Bride. My favorite character in that movie is Inigo Montoya, played brilliantly by Mandy Patinkin. Wallace Shawn plays an insufferable, ego maniac in charge of a band of villians of which Inigo is part. Shawn's character, Vizzini, keeps decrying things as 'inconceivable'. At one point Inigo turns to Vizzini and says, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
That's a long intro to a truth about recovery. I think most people go into recovery for a very specific issue. I know I did. They have identified drinking or drugging or overeating as the 'thing' they need to work on. On a variation of Inigo's comment when it comes to recovery it is not about what you think it is about. Our behavior is not our addiction. Our behavior is the expression of our addiction and addiction can be expressed in a myriad of ways.
There has been much written and said about the failure rate in 12 step recovery programs and it's true. A lot of people don't make it in recovery and return to addictive behaviors that eventually kill them. If not physically then at least emotionally, spiritually and relationally. I think some of the failure rate has to do with the fact that addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. So it tricks us into thinking that our behavior is the problem and recovery is a tool to stop the behavior. Imagine our surprise when we get into recovery and find that, sometimes, it gets even harder to stop the behavior we went to recovery to deal with.
That's because we go in focusing on the behavior. Everyone knows that when we focus on something we usually get more of it. Diets don't work because we focus on food and the more we focus on food the harder it is to put food in it's proper perspective. If we focus on what psychologists call the 'presenting concern' or the thing that brought us into recovery we risk missing the underlying issues. The problem with underlying issues is that they are often so deeply buried or so terribly traumatic that dealing with them is nearly impossible. That's why we drink, drug, eat and fantasize. Anything to escape confronting the reality of what has happened to us or what we've done to others.
Many people lack the capacity for deep insight. By that I mean they just can't look into themselves and see all their character defects that contribute to the difficulties they experience in life. Difficulties that they have chosen to numb with the behaviors that are now destroying them. To succeed in recovery you have to deal with yourself. Your deepest hurts, your selfishness, your defective defense mechanisms, and all those tools you've acquired, nurtured, polished and cherished which are really isolating and suffocating you. Tools that may have once protected you have become a prison from which your heart and true self cannot escape unless you're willing, through the 12 steps and recovery, to face head-on. Ready to turn your life and your will over to your higher power. To admit that you are powerless over the deep wounds that have manifested in your self-destructive behaviors.
So, if you're an alcoholic...that's not your real problem. A drug addict...not really the core issue. A sex addict...only a surface behavior covering much deeper issues. Compulsive overeater...food is NOT your problem. Until you stop looking for quick fixes for surface issues and get real with what's going on in the depths of your soul...where you've never allowed anyone to go, not even yourself, then you'll never fully realize all the benefits recovery can bring. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
3 comments:
Well said Tim. We both know someone who would benefit from this. I hope somehow she sees it (her husband too). Roots of rejection are typically at the core as well. Addiction is complicated and recovery can be even more complicated. Glad to see you are where you are.
"That's because we go in focusing on the behavior." I like this thought Tim. The legitimate and healthy concern of what my behavior would become after I completed the 12-steps helped me move me toward Jesus. The idolatry and religion evident in my heart represented a larger issue then my habits/behavior. The process of walking through the 12-steps is simply giving me a safe place to dig, deal and heal. Yes, I know its way more complicated then this next thought, but here it is anyway: Focusing on my behavior was distracting me from the idolatry in my heart. In effect, this was keeping me from Jesus. Focusing on Jesus has been distracting me from my behavior.
I recently got a dose of reality when the Holy Spirit revealed a behavior in me. I was beginning to read the bible in order to "not sin" instead of reading/studying to know Jesus more intimately. Yes, it is wise to set up boundaries to help keep myself from sin/behavior. However, focusing so much energy on keeping those boundaries in place also kept me from focusing on knowing Jesus. So at this point (and I'm not even through the 12-steps) I have learned that modifying my behavior was/is an extremely religious exercise - exhaustion ensued. On the contrary, pursing and responding to Jesus has be a tremendously healing experience - energy, passion and creativity followed. Not to mention the love, joy, peace, patience, etc...that began to show up. So has a 12-step program healed me? Has it proven to simply be a place to modify my behavior only to see that behavior return with vengeance upon the completion of step 12? These are good questions to process. And no, the program hasn’t healed me anymore than a bible study on the book of Ephesians heals a person. Is my habit(s) going to return after step 12? That remains to be seen. And you can bet those "boundaries" are in place. But one thing I can definitively say as I continue to walk through these steps - I know Jesus more than I did 10 months ago. I like myself a whole lot more. My relationships are being healed. My heart has become tender again. I'm rested - even energized. I long to worship. And yes, I still have hiccups along the way. I repent. I confess to my accountability partner and mentor. I move on. I am able to bask in the unending waterfall of God's mercy and grace now. I flat out love Jesus and marvel at the motivation behind to miracle of the cross.
Psalm 27:4 says it well..."One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."
"That's because we go in focusing on the behavior." I like this thought Tim. The legitimate and healthy concern of what my behavior would become after I completed the 12-steps helped me move me toward Jesus. The idolatry and religion evident in my heart represented a larger issue then my habits/behavior. The process of walking through the 12-steps is simply giving me a safe place to dig, deal and heal. Yes, I know its way more complicated then this next thought, but here it is anyway: Focusing on my behavior was distracting me from the idolatry in my heart. In effect, this was keeping me from Jesus. Focusing on Jesus has been distracting me from my behavior.
I recently got a dose of reality when the Holy Spirit revealed a behavior in me. I was beginning to read the bible in order to "not sin" instead of reading/studying to know Jesus more intimately. Yes, it is wise to set up boundaries to help keep myself from sin/behavior. However, focusing so much energy on keeping those boundaries in place also kept me from focusing on knowing Jesus. So at this point (and I'm not even through the 12-steps) I have learned that modifying my behavior was/is an extremely religious exercise - exhaustion ensued. On the contrary, pursing and responding to Jesus has be a tremendously healing experience - energy, passion and creativity followed. Not to mention the love, joy, peace, patience, etc...that began to show up. So has a 12-step program healed me? Has it proven to simply be a place to modify my behavior only to see that behavior return with vengeance upon the completion of step 12? These are good questions to process. And no, the program hasn’t healed me anymore than a bible study on the book of Ephesians heals a person. Is my habit(s) going to return after step 12? That remains to be seen. And you can bet those "boundaries" are in place. But one thing I can definitively say as I continue to walk through these steps - I know Jesus more than I did 10 months ago. I like myself a whole lot more. My relationships are being healed. My heart has become tender again. I'm rested - even energized. I long to worship. And yes, I still have hiccups along the way. I repent. I confess to my accountability partner and mentor. I move on. I am able to bask in the unending waterfall of God's mercy and grace now. I flat out love Jesus and marvel at the motivation behind to miracle of the cross.
Psalm 27:4 says it well..."One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."
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