A bag of onions

If I've heard it once, I've heard it a hundred times. The onion analogy. People in recovery talk about how it's like peeling an onion. The reason this is said so much is because it's true! When I first went into recovery and attended my first meeting, I thought it was about stopping my one addictive behavior. After all, that's why you go to recovery, right? To stop drinking, drugging, gambling, fantasizing, overeating, etc., etc. That's what I thought. Stop the obviously bad behavior and all will be right with the world.

What I found out, though, is that recovery is much more complex than that. Then I discovered that life is much more complex than I ever imagined. There are layers to everything. As I began to "peel" the layers of my addiction there was a dizzying array of issues, traumas, mistakes and behaviors that were all knotted up in me. The way I'd dealt with these through my life were affected by and affected my addiction. What I've come to realize is that the roots of my addiction have woven themselves very deep into who I am. Finding those roots and pulling them out is a lot like delicate brain surgery. You want to remove all of the tumor, but you don't want to lose any vital functions in the process.

There are things about me that are really worth keeping. As I've traveled the road of recovery there are times I've been afraid that the "me" I've always known will be destroyed in this process. What if my charm or people skills or leadership ability are all just manifestations of my addiction. What if recovery fundamentally changes the person I always thought myself to be? These are not questions to be taken lightly. There are certainly things about me that have turned out to be much more driven by addictive need than anything else. Realizing this has been very hard for me. But, as I keep peeling it becomes more and more apparent that by letting go of those things, even the ones I really liked, I'm making the best choice.

Life seems to be a never ending process of getting to know myself and those around me better and better. There are great surprises and discoveries yet to be made inside and outside of me. When I was fully engaged in my addiction this awareness was dim at best. Addiction sees life as a fixed point on a map. Once I've arrived, I'm there. It's no more complex than that. I'm married, what else is there to do? I'm employed and that's the way it is. Don't dig down too deep or reveal too much of yourself because you'll just get into trouble. That's the protectionist mantra of the addicted mind.

Well life isn't a fixed point on a map. It's a continuous line stretching to infinity. Better yet, it's an onion. A whole bag full of onions. My marriage, my job, my thought life, my friendships, my relationship with God, my relationships with my children are all onions in the bag. Truly understanding that and being willing to dive in and start peeling is all part of recovering life.