A tricky thing

Addiction is like a ravenous animal. It needs to be fed. When I was a kid we lived on a farm for a stretch of time. One of my jobs was to raise a few pigs. I fed them "pig chow" but I also fed them our "wet" garbage. Things like watermelon rinds and banana peels, etc. They ate everything. Addiction is like that. It's not just the surface behavior (drinking, drugs, sex, eating...) that is addictive. For me, addiction ate compliments, applause and recognition. It fed on self-loathing, fear and anxiety. I've come to believe that one of the major supports propping up addiction is unforgiveness, an inability to forgive myself or others. I raised carrying a grudge to near professional levels. And if I was hard on others, I was twice as hard on myself.

Once, while out on the road, a church sign caught my eye. It had these words, "Forgiveness: Giving up all hope of a better past." I'll never forget it. That simple quote nailed it. My addiction wants me to believe that I can somehow undo the things I've done and that have been done to me. In making me believe this the addiction keeps me focused on the past and filled with grief, remorse, self-pity and self-loathing. Not to mention revenge fantasies, bitterness and anger. Always looking back makes looking ahead impossible. Always trying to excuse, explain or cover-up my past makes it almost certain that I won't engage with people in the present. Becoming preoccupied with some real or imagined hurt has me always looking for compensation, even from those who had nothing to do with the original offense. A famous cliche for those in recovery is "One day at a time." It means that, for true health, today is all I can deal with. As soon as I become preoccupied with what happened yesterday or last week or twenty years ago the addiction has an open door to resume control of my life.

Giving up all hope of a better past is vital to my success. I must deal with my past realistically. I can't candy coat the life I've lived. Stuff happens, and it happens to everybody. Pretending like it doesn't is not only unhealthy, it's dangerous. Being honest with myself first, then with others, about who I really am is scary. It's also necessary if I truly want to live the recovered life.