Slaying the Enemy

I mentioned in the last post about holding grudges and how the addiction wants me to blame others for the struggles in my life. My therapist told me about an exercise called "Slaying the Enemy" this week. Apparently it involves getting together with a few men and going into a Native American sweat lodge. Once inside you name your enemy. Then each person in turn says something glowing and complimentary about that enemy. You repeat this process several times and, by the time its over, your enemy is slain. How can you hold a grudge against someone when you shift focus from how terrible they are and begin to think about them in a positive light?

I've been thinking about this since our session. It occurs to me that this sort of approach has been advocated by someone else. As a Christian I've wrestled with Jesus' instruction to "love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you." Just like the exercise in the sweat lodge, when I include those who have hurt me in my prayer time something changes in me. And, no, my prayers are not for them to suffer some tragedy or contract some terminal disease. Enlisting God as my personal hammer of justice is a manifestation of addiction not health. I pray good things for them.

Early in my recovery I would share in meetings how angry I was at someone whose actions had really wounded me. I don't remember being fixated on this person, but I certainly gave her a lot of credit for the pain I was suffering. My sponsor at the time gave me a real shock. He said I should pray for her. Wanting to become healthier I told him I could probably do that. He pushed the point. "Pray that she would be blessed and get all the desires of her heart," he told me. I remember being shocked. Why in the world would I go so far as to pray blessings on a person who had made my life so miserable?

Come to find out, that's the point. If my life is miserable I need to deal with what I've done to make it so. As long as I assign responsibility to others for my condition I will never find peace. Pointing fingers and laying blame are not healthy for me. It's okay to recognize the behaviors of other people that have caused me pain, I think. But I need uncover why those actions caused the pain. It's important for me to understand my role in receiving their actions as painful. This is hard work because it requires me to think about how I think about myself, about others and about the world. As I get down to that level it's amazing how deeply my addiction and addictive thought patterns are woven into my brain.

Whether I pray, "slay" or bless those who have hurt me the healing that results is ultimately mine. I must let go of the pain I've held so long if I'm to continue recovering life.