A little appreciation

My recovery is going really well. So I have to be extremely careful. It's times like this, when everything is humming along, I'm going to meetings, my prayer and journaling time is strong, that I'm most at risk. My sponsor once said that while I'm in a meeting my addict is out in the parking lot doing push-ups! That's so true. My addiction has grown up with me. Its roots go deep into my personality and my history. I've been in recovery now for over two years. That means I've been working on living a healthy life for only a small fraction of the time I lived an unhealthy life.

A friend of mine went through a divorce. It was painful and bitter. There were days when, I'm sure, he didn't think he'd survive it. During that time he changed his life. He worked out like a mad man. He ate healthy and dropped an amazing amount of weight. He saw a therapist, sometimes twice a week. He did a lot of really good healthy things. Then he fell in love. Before his new habits could take hold in his life he had remarried and, pretty quickly, fell back into old habits. Long hours at work, eating too much, too often and too fast. Working out fell out of his routine. He's gained back all his weight, plus some. He's working late nights and weekends again. He's still married and I think this one will make it, but his patterns don't bode well for success.

I share this story as a cautionary tale for myself as much as anybody else. I can feel the tug of my old addictive self every once in a while. I catch myself thinking old thoughts and letting my eyes and my mind wander farther than is safe. More than anything I'm finding I allow myself little appreciations. By that I mean, I let myself linger over a look or a thought with a level of appreciation for it that isn't safe or healthy. These little appreciations can quickly turn into really big problems. I need to see them for what they are. My addict wants me to come out and play. Each day I give that up to God and seek his strength. This isn't something I can fight on my own, so I keep going to meetings, keep journaling, keep working the 12 steps and keep writing in this blog. I don't ever want to stop recovering life.