Day Thirteen - Back to the Drawing Board

It was a bad weekend. In my last post I mentioned weigh-in day. It was a huge disappointment and I didn't handle it well. I didn't eat like crazy or anything. It was just emotionally difficult. Much of the weekend was spent in a major wrestling match with my addictive personality. The temptation to give up was very strong. Some of my other addictive behaviors came after me with a vengeance. Overall, it was a very big battle. The good news is that when my alarm went off at 5 a.m. this morning I didn't roll over and give up. I'm still here! Although I did not lose a single pound this past week, my clothes are getting a bit looser, and my physical condition is improving. My food journal resumes today. Each battle is hard, but the war is not over. I refuse to stop recovering life.

Day Eleven - Anticipation

This has been a very good week. Halloween came and went without ruining my discipline. Last night there was this quarterly get together with a bunch of guys. We call it Guys Movie Night and it includes dinner and watching a movie then talking about it. These kinds of meals out always present an opportunity to get carried away. Last night I went in knowing I didn't want to blow a week of good behavior...and I didn't. That is very satisfying. I allowed myself a little indulgence but was totally aware the whole time of the risk of losing control. By the end of the night, I was very happy with how things went. Later this morning is my weekly weigh-in. Last week I hadn't lost any weight but my fat percentage had dropped by one point. This week I think I'll be really, really disappointed if I haven't lost weight. It feels like I've stepped things up and made some adjustments in order to make that happen. I have to remind myself that the scale is just a measuring device. If the measurement isn't what I expect, I simply need to make further adjustments. In my addictive past I've abandoned all hope when the measurement wasn't what I wanted. That's the self-destructive choice and I hope I'm healthy enough to avoid that, even if my weigh-in doesn't go as planned. Here's yesterday, and remember last night was a bit more than normal...

32 oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 oz. raw milk

64 oz. water
1 medium apple

4 slices frozen pizza (leftovers)
1/2 cup homemade granola
12 oz. raw milk

32 oz. water
2 chocolate chip cookies

1 bowl pasta e fagioli soup
1 slice french bread with butter
squash & pear salad
16 oz. Lipton Brisk Ice Tea with lemon and sugar
1/3 cup M&M candy
1 doughnut

Day Ten - Double Digits

One day at a time adds up. As I've shared here, it's a struggle for me to live one day at a time. My mind races ahead to the next day, the next big event, a time when I'll be 80 pounds lighter. The irony is, by racing ahead my ability to actually achieve my goals is damaged. In a recovery meeting this week I likened it to learning to write with your opposite hand. Even writing my name that way takes much thought and concentration. To write with my dominate hand is automatic. I don't even think about it. Learning to live in, and enjoy, the moment is an exercise in focused concentration that takes a fair amount of mental energy. The good thing about the process, however, is that the day will come where the new thinking will become automatic. If I were to practice writing my name with my opposite hand every day, eventually that would become effortless, too. I'm excited about right now and thankful that I've come this far. I'm learning how to let that be enough. Here's yesterday...

32 oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 oz. raw milk

1 small pear
64 oz. water

6 oz. tuna with Tbsp. Miracle Whip
2 slices whole wheat bread
1/2 cup organic yogurt
1/2 cup homemade granola

64 oz. water
1 Tbsp. homemade granola
1 medium apple
15 pretzel twists

6 oz. chicken breast
vermicelli/rice mix
corn
12 oz. milk

12 oz. peach cider

Day Nine - The Morning After

An interesting part of recovery is the increased awareness. When I'm not masking my emotions or blindly reacting there are suddenly little nuances in life that become apparent. Halloween wasn't a disaster by any stretch in terms of my eating, but it wasn't as disciplined as I'd hoped. It was great to be past that day and to gain some learning for the holidays that are fast approaching. One thing that surprised me is the residual effect it had the day after. I struggled more yesterday with urges to eat inappropriately than I have since starting this discipline. The good news is that I was aware of it and chose healthy alternatives. It won't be a surprise if there are still some lingering effects today. Knowing that it's a possibility makes it better going in. That's one of the great things about recovery. I'm expanding my knowledge and experience of it every day and learning how to apply it to the next day. It's true what they say, if you fail to learn from your mistakes, you're doomed to repeat them. Here's how November started...

32 oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 oz. raw milk

1 small pear
64 oz. water

1 can Campbell's clam chowder with goldfish crackers
4 oz. peach cider

1 medium apple
32 oz. water
1/2 cup chicken fried rice (leftovers)

4 slices Tombstone frozen pizza
1 cup homemade granola
1 tsp. Nutella spread
12 oz. raw milk

Day Eight - Grace on All Hallow's Eve

There always food at work. There's a guy whose wife bakes cookies each month when we celebrate birthdays in our department. They come fresh out of the oven and still warm. There are places you can go and get a mini candy bar from little bowls that are spread around the building and open to everyone. There are random platters of treats that show up at the coffee island in our area. I know about all this and, as part of this plan, prepared myself mentally to avoid those traps. It's only been a week, but so far, so good. At Halloween everyone in the company dresses up and every department decorates according to a theme. In our department there is a big potluck meal and tons of candy. There are some days when I need to exercise a little grace with myself and this is one of them.

Grace is a difficult lesson for an addict to learn. Part of what has created and fed my addict through the years is a lack of grace. My stepfather wasn't a gracious man. That and other things contributed to insecurity and a very harsh, self-critical spirit. Standards I could never meet became ones I embraced. To comfort myself when I failed (and when you set impossibly high standards failure happens regularly) I chose food, among other things. It's an interesting dynamic now that I've identified my eating habits as a problem and I've set a very high standard for myself. My addictive personality wants to beat me up when I eat too much, thereby missing the mark I've set. Missing the mark is failure, which triggers my addictive urge to eat for comfort. You can see how this can become a downward spiral very quickly. The best way out of this is the application of a little grace.

I'm not going to list what I ate on Halloween. It wasn't excessive, but it was more than I had hoped I might eat. It's not going to derail my overall goal. I'm back at it this morning and, as soon as I post this I'm headed over to workout. I've recorded almost everything I ate, but it feels like I would be overly harsh on myself if I were to post it. Grace is the order of the day and a chance for me to learn how to live with not being perfect. And I don't care that my addict doesn't like that!

Day Seven - A Night Out

Part of this whole process is to be able to live in the real world and have a real life. On Monday nights during the football season a friend of mine and I get together and head to a local sports bar to watch football and play this interactive game where you guess the plays on the field. I always plan on this night in my schedule. And I anticipate that it will include some level of food and drink. Just to clarify, alcohol is not one of my addictions and it's not something I struggle with. For those who do, this post is not meant to offend. I'm committed to listing all the things I've eaten. I'm also planning ahead for Halloween. Here's how Monday went:

32oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 raw milk

64 oz. water
1 med. pear

6 oz. tuna with 1 Tbsp. Miracle Whip
10 pretzel twists
1/2 cup organic yogurt with 2 Tbsp. homemade granola
4 oz. peach cider

32 oz. water
1 medium apple

6 oz. pork chop
1 small red potato diced and fried
1 cup green peas
12 oz. raw milk

16 oz. beer
basket of onion rings
3 mini corn dogs
32 oz. water

Day Six - A New Week

As planned, Sunday was my "off" day. I had a big breakfast but not much else through the day. I find that I don't drink as much water on the weekends. It's good to be starting another week. It supposed to take nearly a month to move an activity from routine to habit. So every day that passes where I journal my eating behavior and workout is one day closer to making this more lifestyle than anomaly. Not much else to say today except that the Chicago Bears dominated San Francisco and remain undefeated. That's very exciting! Here's what I ate yesterday:

2egg cheese omelet
12 oz. raw milk
2 slices buttered whole wheat toast (blackberry fruit spread on one)
3 slices bacon
4 oz. peach cider

32 oz. water
46 small red seedless grapes

4 slices frozen pizza
12 oz. raw milk

1 medium pear
32 oz. water

Day Five - Disappointment

Yesterday was my weekly weigh-in and I won't pretend that I wasn't disappointed. After several days of an increased workout and very disciplined eating the scale had not changed over last week. However, it's not total disappointment because I have a scale that is also a body fat analyzer and according to that I dropped one percentage point of body fat. I've been steady at 37% forever and yesterday it read 36%. That's a drop of 2.56 pounds of fat that's been replaced by muscle. I'll take that, but I still want to lose overall weight. I'm not discouraged, just disappointed. The difference is that, being discouraged has often led me, in the past, to giving up completely. Disappointment will drive me to look for other changes I can make. It's important to stick with something longer than I have before deciding it's not working. If there is no change after next week's weigh-in and I've followed the regimen for the whole week, then I'll need to readjust something in my plan. I did relax a little in the eating yesterday in that I had a little treat at the end of the day. You'll see it on the list. It is the weekend.

Weekly weigh-in results:
Weight - 268.5
Body Fat - 36%

Day Four Food Journal:
12 oz. raw milk
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
bowl of oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar

32 oz. water

1 cup bbq baked beans
bbq potato chips

bbq potato chips
23 small seedless red grapes
32 oz. water

4 slices frozen pizza (Red Baron Supreme)
chocolate milkshake

Day Four - The Weekend

Keeping routines on the weekend is a bit more of a challenge. I don't have to go to work and I get to sleep in a little. I usually find plenty to keep me busy. Today I'm spending time with my sponsor doing some fourth step work. Overall I'm pleased with my start on this new plan, but aware that the weekend can serve as a disruption if I'm not careful. I've come to realize that disruptions to my schedule are a challenge to my recovery. It's important to work on my attitude toward the weekend because it's not really a true disruption since weekends typically happen on a weekly basis! So, I'm going to keep my food journal straight through. I am going to take a one day break from my workout because I believe that's healthy. As for eating, here's how yesterday went:

32 oz. water
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast
12 oz. raw milk

35 small red seedless grapes
64 oz. water

meatloaf
3/4 cup of bbq baked beans
4 oz. peach cider

32 oz. water

chicken fried rice
12 small red seedless grapes
12 oz. raw milk

popcorn (1/4 cup unpopped) with butter and salt
32 oz. water

I should share my awareness that Halloween is fast approaching. That means there will be tons of candy and a potluck luncheon at work. I'm planning ahead so as not to be caught off guard that day.

Day Three - The Power of the Pad

It's amazing what a little notepad in my pocket can do. Yesterday I got up, blogged, did my workout and got ready for work. As soon as I walked in the door at work there was a plate of fresh baked cookies someone had brought in for the office. Just a few days ago I would have taken one (more likely two or three) even though it was eight in the morning and I'm determined to stick to a diet. Yesterday I didn't take a cookie. There are also places around the building where people keep little baskets of candy and other food shows up on regular occasions. I confess I've gotten into the habit of grazing during the day when I'm bored at my desk. But for the past two days I haven't done any of that and I chalk it up to the power of the pad in my pocket. Since I've determined to keep a food journal and promised to report it here, I'm forced to think about every single thing I put in my mouth. Just knowing I'll have to pull out the little pad of paper and write "cookie" or "candy bar" has been enough of a deterrent that I've lost any interest in eating those things. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm enjoying the discipline of recording my food. Here's yesterday's list:

32 oz. water
12 oz. raw milk
1 slice buttered whole wheat toast

64 oz. water
29 small red seedless grapes
3 oz. portion of chicken breast

6 oz. can of tuna in water with 1 Tbsp. of Miracle Whip
14 corn tortilla chips with 2 Tbsp. of salsa
4 oz. of peach cider

32 oz. of water

meatloaf
1 cup cooked broccoli
12 oz. raw milk

32 oz. water

I'll be back again tomorrow for the update. Right now it's off to my workout.

Day Two

One day at a time is one of the most famous cliches in recovery. And it's a good one. This is day two of my sobriety when it comes to eating and exercise. It's funny how easy it is to say "one day at a time" but how incredibly difficult it is to actually do it. Walking home from my workout yesterday morning my addict wanted to think about how hard it would be to get up tomorrow and how boring this routine will be by next week. My brain starts anticipating the weight loss, setting me up for disappointment if I fall short of the unrealistic goal that starts to get planted in my head by my addictive need for instant gratification. It's remarkable what a struggle it is to simply enjoy the moment. Celebrating the fact that I did workout, I did eat reasonably, I did get up on time again this morning is yet another discipline to work on. One day at a time is a huge key to succeeding at this process of getting a handle on my eating and exercise disciplines.

Here's the report. I've adjusted my workout to get in some weight training and a full 30 minutes of aerobic exercise with my heart rate about 160 for at least 20 minutes of that. As for food, this is what I recorded yesterday:

32 oz. water
2 seedless red grapes
14 oz. raw milk

snack
45 small seedless red grapes
64 oz. water (throughout the course of the morning)

lunch
6 oz. chunk light tuna in water with 1 tbsp. Miracle Whip
13 corn tortilla chips with 2 tbsp. salsa
4 oz. peach cider

snack
1 medium granny smith apple
32 oz. water

dinner
1 cup bbq baked beans
tuna noodle casserole with peas
12 oz. raw milk

32 oz. water (later in the evening)

Here's to Day Two and the hope that I can enjoy the moment.

Let's try this (Day One)

By far my biggest struggle, in terms of addictive behavior, is my battle with food as a source of comfort, congratulation, consolation and companionship. In 1991 I signed-up for the NutriSystem program. This was back when you visited a center on a weekly basis, got some coaching, went to support groups and ate only their food. I lost 65 pounds from June to October that year. I looked great, felt great and was very happy about my physical appearance. Over the next few years I (you know what's coming) gained it all back plus a little more. Now, fifteen years later, I'm trying to lose 80 pounds but I'm doing it on my own. Not successfully. I'm working to establish a regular workout routine with a goal of getting up early and doing some weight training and aerobics six days a week. Five days one week is the best I've accomplished over the last four weeks. It's like I have this embedded roadblock when it comes to succeeding in this area. Last night I talked about it again in my support group. The men in my group all want me to succeed, but they aren't going to do this for me. After the group I came home and promptly popped a big bowl of popcorn, added lots of butter and salt and ate almost the whole thing. It was 8:30 at night. It's 5:30 in the morning now and I awoke this morning with a plan...another one.

Let's try this. I'm going to post on this blog every day. What I'm going to post is my food journal, a list of every single thing I eat. I'm also going to post an exercise journal. If I don't post one day it means either I didn't eat properly or I didn't get up and workout that day. Sunday is my off day as a weekly break is important to keeping up with this routine. I'm going to post it here to give anyone who reads this a chance to encourage me and hold me accountable. This is one area I've consistently struggled with and that's keeping me from truly recovering life. One reason for this blog is to help me in my recovery. Let's see how it really works as a tool to keep me honest in this, my biggest challenge. If you read this and want to be part of my support team (that just means commenting when you have something to say) I'd appreciate it if you'd post a comment here. Thanks! Here goes day one...

A Theory Tested

Yesterday after church a couple invited my wife and me out to brunch. My wife invited another couple making six of us around the table. The couple my wife invited are working with her to bring a recovery support group to the church. The couple that invited us initially aren't involved in the effort and, as far as I know, don't know anything about it or our involvement in recovery. I've had this theory for a while now that church should be like a recovery group. It should be the place where people can freely share their stuff without fear of judgment. At the same time, having worked in the church for many years, I know the reality is that church isn't a safe place and doesn't operate like a recovery group very often.

During our brunch with a couple we'd really just met my wife started talking about recovery. For all the theory and over two years into my recovery I must admit I suddenly became very uncomfortable. She just casually launched into this conversation about addiction and recovery with relative strangers as if it was common meal conversation. After I got over the shock of it I found that I was angry. I think my anger was over being "outed" in public. She never divulged my particular addiction. But it was clear that I was in a recovery group along with her. The couple she invited joined right in on the conversation with the husband admitting his addiction and recovery. My emotions were flying around inside but on the outside I looked as calm as anything. I worked through my internal dialogue and eventually joined in on the conversation.

The couple we just met seemed genuinely interested in the whole process of recovery. We quickly went to a level of conversation that was much deeper than I expected. At some point the wife of the new couple shared something very personal from her life experience. It was something she said she has avoided sharing in other conversations with people from church because she feared judgment and rejection. By the end of our time together the six of us had actually shared in meaningful human interaction. We had been vulnerable and real with each other in ways that, in theory, I wish would happen more often. My theory was tested and my initial reaction was not good. In the end, though, it became clearer that everyone has stuff in their life. Stuff they need to share for their own health. Stuff that binds us together as human beings who can care for each other if only we'll let others in. My addict still fights letting anyone know the real me. It's a skill honed over a lifetime and one that I need to unlearn if I'm to continue getting healthy.

One final caution. I still believe it's important to use discretion when it comes to sharing my addiction and recovery. I need to discern who can deal with that level of sharing and when it's not safe for me or them to do so. I think my wife errs on the side of being too open too quickly with too many people. Admittedly, I err on the opposite side of the line. Maybe together we can find a healthy balance and engage in deeper, more meaningful relationships with others.

I Decided Not To

It's been nearly four months since I last posted a blog! The good news is, it's not because I had a lapse in my recovery. I've been going to meetings and working my program. The summer was hard because of a lot of travel and an erratic schedule. I'm returning to something more "normal" and working on going deeper into my recovery. I may finally have a new sponsor. I'm looking for ways to measure how healthy I am. I think I found one this morning.

There's a men's group that meets at our church every Thursday morning at 6:15 a.m. A couple of different guys have asked me to join. One asked because he was at the recruitment table one Sunday morning. He doesn't really know me, he was just doing his job. The other is someone who's becoming a friend and really would like to see me there...I think. I was planning to go this morning but, as I went to bed last night, it occurred to me that I'm really not interested. The only reason I was even considering it was to please other people. That's not a healthy reason to do something. One very important aspect of recovery is learning how to do the next right thing. The next right thing for me was to not join the Thursday morning men's group at church.

Even though it's definitely the right thing to do, I'm sitting here (right at the time the group is starting) feeling a little guilty about not going. That's a sign there's still lots of work to be done. Even now my addict is making up excuses to tell my friend when he says he missed me this morning. But I won't make excuses. I'll tell him the truth. Maybe in a future post I'll let you know if I was successful doing that! For now I'm celebrating that, for what appear to be healthy reasons, I decided not to.

Behave yourself

I went to my first twelve step meeting for the same reason a lot of people go. I had identified a behavior that I wanted to eliminate. In the interest of total honesty, what I really wanted was to control the behavior. This, in my opinion, is the goal of every person when they first attend a meeting. If I could only reign in my addictive behavior everything would get better. Not eliminate the behavior altogether because I couldn't imagine life without the occasional indulgence.

I quickly learned that my behavior wasn't my problem. The addictive behavior had served to keep me from dealing with my problems. In fact, it was relatively easy to sit in a circle of fellow addicts and say my name and what I had done. It was...and still is...much harder to express my true problem. Hi, I'm Tim and I'm terrified of being rejected. I doubt my value as a person and, at age 47, am still trying to recover from the pain inflicted by my parents in childhood. My fear and self doubt has fed addictive behaviors for most of my life that have guaranteed isolation and the lack of any deep meaningful relationships. Ironically, my deep seated fear of being left alone has left me alone!

As children we're told to behave ourselves or apologize to our sisters or sit up straight and act nice. These instructions are well meant. For the addict they are instructive. You don't really need to feel sorry, just say you are. If I behave according to the standards set by those in charge I don't really have to deal with any underlying issues that caused the misbehavior. If I look like I'm doing okay then I must be doing okay. Jesus once said that it isn't what goes into your mouth that reveals who you are but what comes out of your mouth. What comes out of your mouth is a reflection of what's in your heart. A pastor friend of mine (who I suspect was also an addict) once said that people are like toothpaste tubes. You find out what's really inside when squeezed.

Changing my external behavior is not enough for me. I don't want all my meetings, therapy and accountability partners to simply be a hedge around me to keep me from acting out. I want deep, meaningful, genuine healing. I want to better understand and deal with my problems. Change my heart and along the way I'll experience recovering life.

I've been thinking

Lately I've been thinking...and that's not necessarily a good thing. One of the things that sets human beings apart from all other creatures is our ability to think about how we think. I may have shared this in an earlier blog. Once I got into recovery I discovered that my thought processes have been corrupted by my addiction. I've always valued my thoughts and opinions more highly than most anyone else's. It's been a real struggle for me to understand and admit just how messed up my thoughts are. One of the most troublesome things is how much of my thought life revolves around me. This is a sure sign of addictive behavior. Addiction, for me, is a manifestation of self-protection. It's a lack of faith or trust in anyone or anything. I hate to admit it, but this includes God. I love God and consider myself a follower of Jesus Christ. At the same time, it's very easy to get caught up in thinking about how to take care of and protect myself. This at the exclusion of all others thereby destroying my ability to be in relationships. This further isolates me increasing my felt need for self protection. It's a vicious cycle that will eventually plummet me back into full blown addictive behaviors. This damaged thinking that urges self protection is, in reality, the speediest path to self destruction.

So lately I've been thinking. This morning I realized that more and more of that thinking has been about myself. A very old thought process resurfaced and suddenly I realized just how dangerously close I've come to disaster. My thoughts turned to how much I'm getting paid. It began to unfold in an all too familiar pattern. Am I getting paid enough? Am I doing more work than others who are getting paid more than me? Am I as high up the ladder as I should be? Is there someone above me who is not as gifted as I am? This self destructive thought process has to stop immediately if I'm to keep my sanity and sobriety. It's only one indicator that the addiction is surging. It's important to look for other indicators now that this one has been uncovered. See, if this thought stream is allowed to continue I'll become dissatisfied with the best job I've ever had. Then I'll begin to resent the people I work with. Next, I'll begin to seek the spotlight for myself to gain recognition and reward for how great I am. Then I'll become frustrated because no one could possibly value me at the level I'm truly worth. Eventually I'll alienate good people and avoid any meaningful relationships with them. All the while, as the addiction grows in strength, I'll be blinded to the fact that I've created all these problems in my own head with my rotten thinking.

This is a path I don't ever want to go down again. Addiction is a sneaky, powerful, cunning and deadly force. It truly never rests and is always looking for a break in my resolve. For today it's been caught sneaking in. For today I'll do the next right thing to shut it down. For today I'll continue recovering life.

On the road...really

I'm traveling this week. This blog is coming from a hotel room in Port Jervis, New York. Road trips used to be really dangerous for me. Especially trips like this one where I'm solo. Alone in a strange town a thousand miles away from anyone who knows me, it's the perfect scenario for the addict to rise up and wreak a little havoc. This is when all the work in recovery starts to pay off. The healthy tools I've been developing can be pulled out of the bag and used to pound the addict down. It's sort of like the "Whack-A-Mole" game at Chuck E. Cheese. The addict pops up and I use my recovery tools to smack him back down. But, just like the game, there are lots of other holes he can pop out of so I have to keep on whacking.

This blog is one tool to help me. I brought my Bible and journal so I can keep up with that, too. I have my phone and friends have promised to call. If they don't, I can call them. I have plenty of work to do that's interesting and exciting so that's another tool I'll be using. It would be nice if, someday, I could leave my tools in the bag and the addict never came around again. Based on some of my friends in recovery who've been sober 20+ years and are still going to meetings, I'm guessing I should always keep the tool bag handy. Maybe the biggest tool of all, prayer.

The guys in my 12 step group have promised to pray for me while I'm on the road. That means a lot. That's a tool being used on my behalf. It's also a reminder that no one succeeds in recovery alone. This is a team effort and I love my team. People just like me who've been dragged into the darkness by their obsessions and addictions. People who've found the light of recovery and the genuine support of a fellowship. People who've given everything up to God because we know that, left to our own devices, we'd be lost. We know that because we've been lost. And I, for one, don't ever want to be lost like that again. So, even though I'm on the road, by God's strength I'll also stay on the road...recovering life.

In jail

Last night I was reminded what the earliest days of recovery are like. After the realization of what addiction had done to my life there was the abject fear of losing everything. Life as I knew it needed to change but I had no idea what the changes would look like. Beyond that, the motivation for change seemed connected to a lot of outside influences. I didn't want to lose my marriage. I didn't want to ruin my relationship with my kids. I didn't want to be disgraced publicly by being found to have this awful weakness. Initially, getting into recovery was a way to stop these things from happening. The urge was to solve the immediate problem and stop the immediate pain. There's nothing wrong with that. When an arm gets severed you stop the bleeding first you don't think about what prosthetic you'd like to have fitted on your stump!

This morning I woke up thinking about Glen. Years ago, as a struggling teen, he found himself in jail on Christmas Day. I don't remember the offense, but I do remember my visit with him. He kept asking, "What do I need to do to get out of here?" I kept telling him that was the wrong question, but he just didn't get it. When you're in jail you just want to be out. But, to stay out, you have to understand what got you there in the first place. The question Glen should have been asking was, "What changes have to happen in my life so I never end up here again?"

Once I realized the jail my addiction had put me in my very first reaction was to want out. If that meant attending meetings, so be it. If it meant therapy...okay. If there were books to read, I'd read them. Over time it became clear that just stopping the immediate pain of my situation was insufficient motivation for a lifetime of recovery. Slowly, the realization came that addiction wasn't just about acting out. In fact, that was just the very tip of a very large iceberg. It might sound odd, but I'm thankful for the pain that forced me into recovery. It's not something I'd ever want to repeat, but it was necessary to put me on the right road. But once the intensity of that initial pain subsided the iceberg that needed to be dealt with started to become clear.

Today the struggles are still there. I have much better tools to deal wih the struggles and my motivation is different. I love my wife and children but I'm not doing this for them. I appreciate the respect of the community, but pretending I'm okay when I'm not just to keep it isn't worth it anymore. I'm enjoying a much healthier life from the perspective of someone who has lived a very unhealthy one. I thank God for each new day. I'm learning to ask, "What are the best choices I can make today so that I never end up in jail again?"

A little appreciation

My recovery is going really well. So I have to be extremely careful. It's times like this, when everything is humming along, I'm going to meetings, my prayer and journaling time is strong, that I'm most at risk. My sponsor once said that while I'm in a meeting my addict is out in the parking lot doing push-ups! That's so true. My addiction has grown up with me. Its roots go deep into my personality and my history. I've been in recovery now for over two years. That means I've been working on living a healthy life for only a small fraction of the time I lived an unhealthy life.

A friend of mine went through a divorce. It was painful and bitter. There were days when, I'm sure, he didn't think he'd survive it. During that time he changed his life. He worked out like a mad man. He ate healthy and dropped an amazing amount of weight. He saw a therapist, sometimes twice a week. He did a lot of really good healthy things. Then he fell in love. Before his new habits could take hold in his life he had remarried and, pretty quickly, fell back into old habits. Long hours at work, eating too much, too often and too fast. Working out fell out of his routine. He's gained back all his weight, plus some. He's working late nights and weekends again. He's still married and I think this one will make it, but his patterns don't bode well for success.

I share this story as a cautionary tale for myself as much as anybody else. I can feel the tug of my old addictive self every once in a while. I catch myself thinking old thoughts and letting my eyes and my mind wander farther than is safe. More than anything I'm finding I allow myself little appreciations. By that I mean, I let myself linger over a look or a thought with a level of appreciation for it that isn't safe or healthy. These little appreciations can quickly turn into really big problems. I need to see them for what they are. My addict wants me to come out and play. Each day I give that up to God and seek his strength. This isn't something I can fight on my own, so I keep going to meetings, keep journaling, keep working the 12 steps and keep writing in this blog. I don't ever want to stop recovering life.

A bag of onions

If I've heard it once, I've heard it a hundred times. The onion analogy. People in recovery talk about how it's like peeling an onion. The reason this is said so much is because it's true! When I first went into recovery and attended my first meeting, I thought it was about stopping my one addictive behavior. After all, that's why you go to recovery, right? To stop drinking, drugging, gambling, fantasizing, overeating, etc., etc. That's what I thought. Stop the obviously bad behavior and all will be right with the world.

What I found out, though, is that recovery is much more complex than that. Then I discovered that life is much more complex than I ever imagined. There are layers to everything. As I began to "peel" the layers of my addiction there was a dizzying array of issues, traumas, mistakes and behaviors that were all knotted up in me. The way I'd dealt with these through my life were affected by and affected my addiction. What I've come to realize is that the roots of my addiction have woven themselves very deep into who I am. Finding those roots and pulling them out is a lot like delicate brain surgery. You want to remove all of the tumor, but you don't want to lose any vital functions in the process.

There are things about me that are really worth keeping. As I've traveled the road of recovery there are times I've been afraid that the "me" I've always known will be destroyed in this process. What if my charm or people skills or leadership ability are all just manifestations of my addiction. What if recovery fundamentally changes the person I always thought myself to be? These are not questions to be taken lightly. There are certainly things about me that have turned out to be much more driven by addictive need than anything else. Realizing this has been very hard for me. But, as I keep peeling it becomes more and more apparent that by letting go of those things, even the ones I really liked, I'm making the best choice.

Life seems to be a never ending process of getting to know myself and those around me better and better. There are great surprises and discoveries yet to be made inside and outside of me. When I was fully engaged in my addiction this awareness was dim at best. Addiction sees life as a fixed point on a map. Once I've arrived, I'm there. It's no more complex than that. I'm married, what else is there to do? I'm employed and that's the way it is. Don't dig down too deep or reveal too much of yourself because you'll just get into trouble. That's the protectionist mantra of the addicted mind.

Well life isn't a fixed point on a map. It's a continuous line stretching to infinity. Better yet, it's an onion. A whole bag full of onions. My marriage, my job, my thought life, my friendships, my relationship with God, my relationships with my children are all onions in the bag. Truly understanding that and being willing to dive in and start peeling is all part of recovering life.