I've been thinking

Lately I've been thinking...and that's not necessarily a good thing. One of the things that sets human beings apart from all other creatures is our ability to think about how we think. I may have shared this in an earlier blog. Once I got into recovery I discovered that my thought processes have been corrupted by my addiction. I've always valued my thoughts and opinions more highly than most anyone else's. It's been a real struggle for me to understand and admit just how messed up my thoughts are. One of the most troublesome things is how much of my thought life revolves around me. This is a sure sign of addictive behavior. Addiction, for me, is a manifestation of self-protection. It's a lack of faith or trust in anyone or anything. I hate to admit it, but this includes God. I love God and consider myself a follower of Jesus Christ. At the same time, it's very easy to get caught up in thinking about how to take care of and protect myself. This at the exclusion of all others thereby destroying my ability to be in relationships. This further isolates me increasing my felt need for self protection. It's a vicious cycle that will eventually plummet me back into full blown addictive behaviors. This damaged thinking that urges self protection is, in reality, the speediest path to self destruction.

So lately I've been thinking. This morning I realized that more and more of that thinking has been about myself. A very old thought process resurfaced and suddenly I realized just how dangerously close I've come to disaster. My thoughts turned to how much I'm getting paid. It began to unfold in an all too familiar pattern. Am I getting paid enough? Am I doing more work than others who are getting paid more than me? Am I as high up the ladder as I should be? Is there someone above me who is not as gifted as I am? This self destructive thought process has to stop immediately if I'm to keep my sanity and sobriety. It's only one indicator that the addiction is surging. It's important to look for other indicators now that this one has been uncovered. See, if this thought stream is allowed to continue I'll become dissatisfied with the best job I've ever had. Then I'll begin to resent the people I work with. Next, I'll begin to seek the spotlight for myself to gain recognition and reward for how great I am. Then I'll become frustrated because no one could possibly value me at the level I'm truly worth. Eventually I'll alienate good people and avoid any meaningful relationships with them. All the while, as the addiction grows in strength, I'll be blinded to the fact that I've created all these problems in my own head with my rotten thinking.

This is a path I don't ever want to go down again. Addiction is a sneaky, powerful, cunning and deadly force. It truly never rests and is always looking for a break in my resolve. For today it's been caught sneaking in. For today I'll do the next right thing to shut it down. For today I'll continue recovering life.