Here We Go

So, here's the story. I've had a fabulously successful career in my chosen field. I've been driven and resourceful. I'm well respected and trusted by many people. At the same time I've lived a secret life of fear and separation. Fear that the real me might some day be "found out" and everyone would shun me. I have this image of being left alone on an island if ever people really knew who I was on the inside. Fear and the trauma of childhood can play ridiculous tricks and completely screw up your adult life. Consequently, I've built incredible self-protection mechanisms that have made it almost impossible for me to genuinely care about anyone or anything. My skill at looking like I care is practically unmatched. To fill the void between the life everyone thought I was living and the life that was trapped inside my wounded heart some very powerful addictions grew. These addictions were probably useful at some point. They kept me safe by making everything about me. In ancient times addiction was called sin. We're too sophisticated nowadays to use such an archaic term as that. The truth is, one definition of sin comes from the Latin incurvatus in se, or turned in on self. Addiction is a turning in on self. It started out as the guard at the gate of my heart that became the monster that nearly consumed and destroyed my life.

Two years ago I began the journey of recovery. Along the way I've discovered so many things about myself and about the insidious nature of addiction. One thing I've learned is that addiction thrives in the dark. Kept secret it will grow like a malignant tumor until it has consumed all the healthy flesh of your life and leaves you a broken, empty shell, lost and alone. It's not a pretty picture, but anyone who's struggled with addiction knows what I'm talking about. By the way, I'm pretty sure that everyone has some form of addiction they fight (remember that archaic word for addiction). So, where can one go to shed the most light on addiction so that it screams, shrivels, fades and dies? Meetings are great. They gave me the courage to say out loud the things I thought would get me banished to that island I mentioned earlier. But, once I'd said those things in front of a few people and they didn't run screaming from the building something dawned on me. Everyone has something...or lots of things...that they keep in the dark with that same conviction I had. Namely, if anyone finds this out, I will be shunned. Well, I figured, if sharing the truth about me in a small room with a few people with similar experiences has brought as much healing as it has, what might happen if I share my story with several billion? I could write a book, but that wouldn't reach as big an audience as something like, say, the internet might reach. I've also created a lens on Squidoo that has more help.

Before you freak out, let me make a promise about this blog. This is not going to be some graphic public confessional. That's not a healthy way to go about recovery and it's not helpful for me or anyone who might read it. It is my deepest desire to be helpful because I'm convinced there are millions of people out there suffering with a monster keeping the real them locked up tighter than a suspected terrorist in Gitmo. I'm hoping that, as I pursue my own recovery and discovery I can share insights here as an encouragement to others. I won't be sharing how my addiction manifested itself. If I did it would give people an excuse not to apply the insights I share to their own struggle. You see, addiction is very adept at finding ways to convince you it doesn't live in you all the while running and ruining more of your life than you can imagine.

That's it, for now. Stay with me as I work on recovering life and, when you're ready, join me. Here we go!