In control

Step one in any recovery program is to "admit that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable." Seems simple enough. I've hit bottom and am obviously out of control. Anyone can see I lack the power to manage my own life. Simple enough...if you're not addicted! But addicts don't see clearly. A friend once told me that the problem with addicts is that we think we know how to think! I'm finding that a huge part of addiction is the aching need to be in control. My need to control every situation was maddening. To me and, I would imagine, to everyone around me. I say "imagine" because an addict is never truly aware of how others perceive them. I was aware of how I percieved others perception of me. That was enough because I could then proceed to behave according to my perception of their perception of me which created the illusion of being in control. Addiction is like David Copperfield, fabulous at creating illusion. The greatest illusion addiction created for me was that of being in control.

In the best ways it made me a "take charge" kind of guy. In business "take charge" people are often seen as the ones who get things done. They can cut through the clutter, put a project on track or launch a whole new venture. But, in my case, my need to take charge of every situation (and I do mean every one) came out of my crippling insecurities. The funny thing is, I really thought I was taking charge for the good of everyone else. Hence, the illusion. It was only when I entered recovery that my true needs and intentions began to be revealed. Not that people didn't appreciate me taking charge. Some did and there were some great projects that got launched along the way and some great things got done. What I'm finding out as I recover my life is that it's not always about results, it's about motivation. Good results driven by fear, insecurity, doubt and addiction might help others but it would eventually destroy me.

In the worst of ways my need to control made me angry, judgmental and bitter. I spent years disappointed in my income level. I always felt I deserved more than I was getting and complained that I wasn't really in control of my salary. On the road I was your classic road rage driver. I would cut people off and slow down if I thought they were going too fast because, you see, I was in control of the road! I treated others with disregard because my approach was always the best and what I wanted was always the right thing.

One of the painful parts of recovering life is having your eyes opened to how you've really been for so long. I'm starting to see through different eyes and I don't like what I'm seeing. There are peoople I've hurt along the way and the deeper into recovery I get the more I realize the extent of the pain I've caused. That's no easy thing to deal with. But if I want to live a recovered life, I'll have to deal with it. The addict (yes, get used to me talking about my addiction as a whole separate person) wants to retreat from this. The addict fed off the need to control and by facing the reality that I'm really not in control I'm starving the addict.

There is one area where I truly do have control. It is completely my choice how to react to what life throws at me. I can attend recovery meetings or not. I can get angry at the guy who just sped past me or not. I can choose to accept that someone else is in control or not. There are healthy choices and there are unhealthy ones and both types are mine to make. My life quickly becomes unmanageable when I start trying to control anything more than that.