Unintended Consequences

Have you ever done something in your recovery that you thought was necessary to be true to yourself and the recovery process and had it go terribly wrong? It can happen. Recovery, at times, is an incredibly self-focused exercise. We're learning about our hurts, habits and hang-ups. We're having character defects exposed and, hopefully, dealing with them. Unfortunately recovery isn't done in a monastery set apart from the rest of the world. Sometimes we do things in recovery that may be very good for us, but have unintended consequences in the lives of those around us.

Think of it this way. There's a drive-by shooting aimed at taking out a notorious and dangerous gangster. In the process an innocent ten year old child is struck and killed. It was never the intention of the shooter to kill a child. They might've even considered that shooting in a neighborhood meant there would be kids around. But they went ahead with it anyway. They accomplished a personal goal but inflicted damage that can't be undone. Bullets can't be unfired and when someone is killed you can't bring them back to life.

That's a pretty stark example, but I use it for a reason. In your recovery there will come times when you'll feel a need to take action on one thing or another. What you're considering may have the relational equivalent of firing a gun into a crowd. You might hit your intended target but you take out an innocent bystander or two. This concept is reflected in the ninth step...to make amends whenever possible except when to do so would hurt the person to whom you're making amends or others (innocent bystanders). It can be applied more broadly to any action you think you need to take to advance...or be true to...your recovery.

If you're faced with a decision that you can clearly see might have a high probability of unintended consequences or collateral damage be extremely careful. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying take it under advisement first. Seek wise counsel from a sponsor, accountability partners, pastors, counselors and others. Sit with it for awhile. Unless you're in immediate danger there's nothing wrong with taking a little time to sit with a decision like that to make absolutely certain what you plan to do is the only choice you have. Once you've done that and if you still feel like you have to move forward just make sure you're ready for the collateral damage. You can't unfire a gun. You can't undo a hurt. You can't bring the dead back to life.

Deep and Wide

Seems that the current character defect getting non-stop attention in my life is selfishness. I guess that's because I'm currently working through something that is dragging the depth and width of my selfishness out into the light. It's a big ugly monster that, frankly, I wish I didn't have to look at...or deal with.

But if we're honest in our recovery, then we don't get to be in charge of what character defects we deal with or when we deal with them. Moving through recovery as a way of life means that we will have to examine our character defects and deal with them. And it's not fun. It's hard work that requires a team of people gathered around. Mostly so you don't turn tail and run. Addiction has taught us that there is no character defect, large or small, that can't be ignored. Recovery teaches us that we dare not ignore any character defect.

If you truly desire recovery and the better life that comes with it, then prepare yourself to deal with all your character defects. Whether one at a time or in bunches you will have to expose them to the light of truth. Truth, honesty, discipline and accountability are the tools of recovery. Use all of them to dig out the deep, wide, malignant roots of addiction that are suffocating your soul.

Life Is Hard

I was going to title this post 'Life Makes Recovery Hard' but the truth is life is hard. It's the hard parts of life that triggered my defense mechanisms that originally protected me. Then became habits. Then became addictions.

Yes, life is hard. People are mean. Disappointments happen. Families suck. Friends betray. Loved ones die. These are all true and real things. Things that addiction invites us to avoid. But when I take addiction up on the offer to avoid reality what happens is that reality only gets worse. My relationships falter and collapse. I lose my job. My health fails. As reality gets worse addiction invites me to continue avoiding it more and more aggressively. In recovery we call that insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

In recovery I come to admit my insanity. I expose addiction for what it is, a one trick pony. In recovery when the reality of life hits I go to meetings, talk to my sponsor, meet with accountability people, reach out to mentors and coaches, read the Bible and other recovery books, pray, work the 12 steps. Addiction offers the same solution over and over and over. Drink and feel better. Drug and feel better. Have sex and feel better. Shop and feel better. Pick one and do it until you feel better...or, more honestly, until you feel nothing.

Addiction is like that old saying, 'to the man with only a hammer everything looks like a nail.'

If you've grown tired of addiction being the only tool you have to deal with a hard life, might I suggest you get rid of it and take up the whole shed full of tools that can be found in recovery. Find a group specific to your particular addictive behavior or a general group. I highly recommend Celebrate Recovery which has groups all over the world. When you're ready to deal with the reality that life is hard then, maybe, you're ready for recovery. There's no time like right now to get started.

Defining a Significant Life

Lately God's been taking me through a rigorous process related to a big opportunity I'm considering. It's been exhausting, frustrating and one of the most intense periods of recovery I've had in a couple of years. My recent posts about selfishness might be a tip off to the character defect God's been working on. In case that wasn't obvious enough...God's been working on my selfishness.

He's also been revealing some fear in this, too. Just a couple of days ago I ran smack dab into the middle of a lie I was believing. The lie is one many people, particularly guys, struggle with. It's that I'm responsible for living a life of significance. By that I mean I need to do something with my life that makes a difference.

Now, that's not an awful thing. In fact it's an admirable trait in someone if they strive to make a difference in this world. However, if you're driven by a need to find your value in living a significant life, that's a problem. There are always meaningful things you can do with your life. Be a good father (or mother), volunteer for worthy causes, start a business or a movement or a charity that changes people's lives. But doing those things in order to feel good about yourself or establish some sense of being significant is a goal you'll never achieve.

If you're like me, you'll always be able to find someone who is doing something bigger, better, or what you might define as more significant than you're doing. So you'll be driven to do even more. You'll keep trying to quiet the demons in your head telling you you're not good enough by doing more and more. Eventually you'll run out of time, energy, opportunities and still be stuck with yourself.

Significance is found in a relationship. Specifically a relationship with God who has a plan for your life. Seek his will and, whatever you do, it will be significant. Know deep in your soul that God thinks enough of you that he's sent his son to die on the cross so you can be in an eternal relationship with him. As you work your program and discover this truth you can let go of your addiction driven need to be significant according to the world's standards or to impress your father or get back at those who've hurt you.

Pursue your recovery with all the energy and fervor you can. There's nothing more significant than living a healthy, sober life.

Patience - The Bane of Addictive Living

Have you ever been in a situation that required an immense amount of patience? If you're still in active addiction, probably not. Addicts are not good at waiting. As I've written before, addiction is an exquisite form of selfishness. Selfish people aren't good at waiting for anything. I suspect addicts invented the microwave and the credit card. We don't want to wait to eat, to get paid, to be entertained to do anything!

In recovery there are ample opportunities to practice patience. Working the 12 steps is not a sprint but a marathon. There are some steps you'll sit with for a long time before you're ready to move on. And you are not in charge of the pace. That's a completely novel thought for an addict. The truth that we cannot accelerate our recovery by our own efforts. It will find it's own pace. And you won't like that. I know there are times when I don't.

Patience is a skill that comes in handy for much more than just recovery. If you take recovery seriously you will develop patience. Then you'll find all sorts of opportunities to exercise that patience. It might be waiting on God to lift a burden or working through a challenging situation that simply takes time. In addiction we avoid hard things through self-medication or quit when things get tough. In recovery we discover those are no longer options if we want to be healthy and sober. So, relax and be patient as God teaches you patience!

A Little Latin

As tough as it is to admit to the larger world that I'm in recovery it's sometimes harder to admit how much of a geek I am! But, here goes...in high school I took two years of Latin. Yes, I know, it's a dead language and it makes no sense to study it unless you're planning to be a priest. But the truth is Latin is the base for all the romance languages. Knowing Latin has helped me better understand English.

One of my favorite phrases in Latin is incurvatus in se. It means 'turned in on self' and is the most exquisitely simple definition of both sin and addiction. The first temptation ever given to man was Satan's lie to Eve, 'You can be like God.' He turned the whole focus of human existence inward with that simple lie. You are the center of all things. You can decide right from wrong. You can determine what is true. You, you, you.

Living in sinfulness is living in selfishness is living in addiction. At it's core addiction is selfish. How often have you said, or at least thought, 'You can't tell me what to do?' How many times in your addiction have you thought, 'It's my life and I can do what I want?'

Both of those statements...and hundreds more that are versions of those...are a reflection of selfishness. A reflection of sin. You are not your own. God has created you for a purpose. For his purpose. Until you can admit that you'll be stuck in sin, in selfishness, in addiction. We have to admit that living in the lie that we are in control has gotten us into a whole stinky pile of trouble. We must be ready to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God as we understand God. Short of that there is no remedy. You can't turn out of self a little. You're either turned in on self or you're not. The strange thing is that to stop living incurvatus in se is a choice only you can make. Figure that one out.

It Does Not Mean What You Think It Means

One of my all time favorite movies is The Princess Bride. My favorite character in that movie is Inigo Montoya, played brilliantly by Mandy Patinkin. Wallace Shawn plays an insufferable, ego maniac in charge of a band of villians of which Inigo is part. Shawn's character, Vizzini, keeps decrying things as 'inconceivable'. At one point Inigo turns to Vizzini and says, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

That's a long intro to a truth about recovery. I think most people go into recovery for a very specific issue. I know I did. They have identified drinking or drugging or overeating as the 'thing' they need to work on. On a variation of Inigo's comment when it comes to recovery it is not about what you think it is about. Our behavior is not our addiction. Our behavior is the expression of our addiction and addiction can be expressed in a myriad of ways.

There has been much written and said about the failure rate in 12 step recovery programs and it's true. A lot of people don't make it in recovery and return to addictive behaviors that eventually kill them. If not physically then at least emotionally, spiritually and relationally. I think some of the failure rate has to do with the fact that addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. So it tricks us into thinking that our behavior is the problem and recovery is a tool to stop the behavior. Imagine our surprise when we get into recovery and find that, sometimes, it gets even harder to stop the behavior we went to recovery to deal with.

That's because we go in focusing on the behavior. Everyone knows that when we focus on something we usually get more of it. Diets don't work because we focus on food and the more we focus on food the harder it is to put food in it's proper perspective. If we focus on what psychologists call the 'presenting concern' or the thing that brought us into recovery we risk missing the underlying issues. The problem with underlying issues is that they are often so deeply buried or so terribly traumatic that dealing with them is nearly impossible. That's why we drink, drug, eat and fantasize. Anything to escape confronting the reality of what has happened to us or what we've done to others.

Many people lack the capacity for deep insight. By that I mean they just can't look into themselves and see all their character defects that contribute to the difficulties they experience in life. Difficulties that they have chosen to numb with the behaviors that are now destroying them. To succeed in recovery you have to deal with yourself. Your deepest hurts, your selfishness, your defective defense mechanisms, and all those tools you've acquired, nurtured, polished and cherished which are really isolating and suffocating you. Tools that may have once protected you have become a prison from which your heart and true self cannot escape unless you're willing, through the 12 steps and recovery, to face head-on. Ready to turn your life and your will over to your higher power. To admit that you are powerless over the deep wounds that have manifested in your self-destructive behaviors.

So, if you're an alcoholic...that's not your real problem. A drug addict...not really the core issue. A sex addict...only a surface behavior covering much deeper issues. Compulsive overeater...food is NOT your problem. Until you stop looking for quick fixes for surface issues and get real with what's going on in the depths of your soul...where you've never allowed anyone to go, not even yourself, then you'll never fully realize all the benefits recovery can bring. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

Long Time Gone

Can't believe it's been since August of 2009 since I posted here. Perhaps that's a reflection of my own recovery journey. Fall of 2009 and throughout 2010 I've been going through a new cycle of intense recovery focus. It happens.

Recovery is a lifelong process and one that has periods of rest, periods of restlessness and periods of growth...painful growth. I entered recovery over six years ago expecting to get 'fixed' and move on with my life. Come to find out getting 'fixed' is a lifelong pursuit. Probably should've known that. As a Christian we call that sanctification. The process we walk through all the years on this earth being refined and molded by God.

Have you ever seen something get molded? Usually a substance that is without any shape or form gets forced into a mold. It gets squeezed, pushed, pressured and, sometimes, heated. Out the other end of this process something with clear definition, shape, purpose and usefulness comes out. A good definition for recovery, I think.

We go in a blobby mess having lived lives of no accountability, no boundaries, and no common sense. When we work the program, go through the 12 steps, engage with a sponsor, establish disciplines and work tirelessly to surrender our lives and our wills to a power great than ourselves something miraculous happens. We take shape. We become identifiable as people. Our wayward years are redeemed and become useful for helping others. We enter into meaningful, sustained relationships with other healthy people and we become beacons of hope for those who follow behind us.

This side of heaven none of us will ever be perfect. Lord knows I'm certainly not and don't expect to be. I seek progress not perfection and I thank God for the progress he's made in my life these last many months. It would be nice to have a period of rest, but I think there's more work to be done in the short term. I'm ready. Are you?

The Power of Story

Tonight we heard a powerful testimony at our Celebrate Recovery meeting. The best thing about a testimony is that it's a true life story. I can bore you with statistics about the realities of addiction all day long and it won't mean a thing. But when I tell my story or you hear the story of another addict who's found a whole new life through recovery, that has impact.

The story of an addict is a story of pain, abandonment, abuse, loss and struggle. So when you hear someone tell their story you are also hearing your story. You begin to realize you're not alone in the life experiences that have been so devastating. You start to sense the tiniest glimmer of hope that if someone with a story like yours can find a new life in recovery, then maybe you can, too.

The thing is, to hear the stories of those in recovery you have to go to places where recovery happens. Celebrate Recovery is a great place but any of the addiction links over there on the right will take you to places where you can find help. Go there now and start the process of seeing your story in the context of the bigger story of successful recovery.

Relax, You're With Family

I'm attending the Celebrate Recovery Leadership Summit at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA this week. Nearly 3600 attendees from churches of all sorts of denominations, communities and sizes all joined together by a common bond. Recovery. It's interesting, but when you get thousands of recovering addicts together all the other labels fall away.

Today I had the privilege of hearing the stories of two other men at the conference as we shared together in small group. We shared things with each other that few, if any outside the circle of recovery know. Let me explain. We met each other for the very first time and, within minutes, were sharing deep, personal, painful details about our lives. Why? Because we are in a safe place where this kind of vulnerability and honesty is not only invited but expected.

That's what true recovery can do for you. It can give you a whole new family like most of us have never experienced. A family that genuinely cares for you and about you. A family that accepts you no matter what you've done or where you've been, and I mean no matter what! Recovery is the safest of places for you to begin the rigorous work of healing the deepest hurts of your life.

You're welcome to join the family. What's keeping you from us?

Celebrate Recovery Summit

I'm headed to the Celebrate Recovery Summit today. It's an annual gathering of folks from around the world who have a Celebrate Recovery ministry at their church or are looking to start one. Celebrate Recovery (CR) is a Christian 12 step program that is open to anyone with a "hurt, hang-up or habit".

If you're struggling with addiction and looking for a safe place to begin working through the 12 steps, I highly recommend CR. It's not for everyone. You may need the stronger, in your face approach that can be found in addiction specific groups like AA or NA. Whatever it takes to get you moving out of addiction you need to start doing...today!

What Is Sobriety?

I had the chance to participate in a lively discussion last night about how we determine sobriety. It was a confidential meeting so I won't be sharing any details of the discussion. However, it triggered my thoughts for this post.

When it comes to drugs and alcohol sobriety is a pretty easy mark. You didn't drink, you're sober. You did drink, you're not. Thinking about drinking or craving a drink isn't drinking. But what about other addictions like food or sex. Now it's a little more complex. I have to eat to stay alive. Does that mean a food addict can never achieve sobriety? NO! Eating has a proper place in our lives. Food addicts, or compulsive over eaters, are people who go beyond normal food consumption. And not all compulsive over eaters are overweight. You can be slender and lean and still use food as an inappropriate coping mechanism.

Sex is also a natural function of human relationships. However, a sex addict uses sex for control, comfort, stress relief and many other things it's not intended for. Sex addiction support groups will tell you that abstaining does not equal sobriety. There must be another measure.

The definition of sobriety for compulsive overeating, sex addiction and other types of addictions can be difficult but it always hinges on a person's ability to be honest and insightful. In other words, a food addict knows internally if the food they're eating is for sustenance or for an addictive fix. As a person in recovery for compulsive overeating myself I can tell you that I know pretty much every time when my eating is driven by addiction not healthy appetite. That means I know when I'm sober and when I'm not. That's the insight part of it and that insight develops the longer I'm in recovery. The honesty part comes when it's time to admit to myself and another human being when I'm eating out of my addiction. Beyond that it requires that I find healthy replacements for compulsive overeating and live in sobriety.

What about you? Are you living sober? Are you being honest with yourself about the things you do that are driven by your addictive needs? Do you even have the insight to identify when you're acting out of addiction? Somewhere inside you know. It might just be a sneaking suspicion at this point. But when you get serious about recovery you'll gain greater insight. You'll start to clearly see when you're acting out of addiction and when you're sober. Then you'll have to be honest about it. Then you'll be on the road to living a sober life.

Why not start today?

The Father Factor

My wife and I were talking about the Michael Jackson memorial service today. She said she'd heard he went through all those surgeries, in part, so that he would never look like his dad. The pain inflicted by Joe Jackson on his sons is the stuff of legend. She also noted that I'm no stranger to father issues.

True enough. My father was an alcoholic who died at 57 and my stepfather was worse because he pretended to be a good man while womanizing and abusing myself and my siblings. He died alone at 60, no Staples Center celebration of his life! In my experience of recovery I can say I've yet to meet a man who doesn't have some trauma inflicted by his father. Alcoholic fathers, physically abusive fathers, emotionally distant fathers, fathers who left altogether.

The influence of a father in our lives is immeasurable. Both for good and for evil. If you're struggling with addiction or have a hard time in relationships or have generally low self-esteem I'll hazard a guess you've got father issues. Trust me when I tell you that they don't go away on their own. The things you're doing right now to cope with the pain inflicted by your father could be killing you. Unless you submit to recovery and start choosing a healthy path, you'll most likely never get truly healed of the wounds inflicted in childhood.

Now, if you've got the money and the influence you could just remake yourself the way Michael Jackson did. But it doesn't seem that plan worked out so well for him after all. You might consider different choices!

The King is Dead

In the last days of his life Michael Jackson was said to be frail. At the same time reports indicate he was preparing himself for the greatest comeback ever. The King of Pop was born in the same year during the same month as I was. It's a bit strange when someone nearly exactly your age dies suddenly.

I didn't know Michael personally and I don't want to make any judgements on him. I do want to use his public eccentricities to make a point. For whatever reasons...we can guess childhood traumas...Jackson was reclusive, seemed self-abusive, was accused of molesting children and exhibited other behaviors of a deeply wounded soul. These are all indications of addictive coping. And there was no amount of money or fame or famous, wealthy friends that could protect the King of Pop from his personal demons.

The addictive patterns you're living in right now can't be fixed by getting more money or more friends or more strange. You can't run from addiction because it's inside you and, as they say, wherever you go, that's where you are! If you fear dying alone in a rented house hidden from the world, frail and dreaming of a big comeback, then I suggest you get into recovery. Don't wait because no one lives forever. Not even kings.

A Departure

For all my readers who have their own blogs or websites I just wanted to take a moment and let you know about an amazing free advertising service I found. It really is free and you'll have the opportunity to drive traffic to your website or blog. And if you're serious about sharing your thoughts with the world, as I am, you really should check it out.

Not So Fast

DON'T CLICK AWAY FROM HERE SO QUICKLY! My tracking software tells me that this is one of my most popular sites. More people click over to this site than any of the others on my list. But I have a sneaking suspicion no one's staying long.

Something about addiction recovery attracted you here. You're either struggling with addiction or know someone who is. There's help to be found right here. There are things I've written that can help you. There are links right over there in the right column with resources you need. Click through to my squidoo lens and you can find books and other resources.

Denial is a powerful tool in addiction's arsenal. You can keep pretending that you don't really have a problem and skip away from this site right now. OR...you can take the first step and admit that you're out of control and that your life has become unmanageable. If you do that you're on the road to recovery. If you don't, well, you're on a whole different road that has a very predictable end.

Stick around a while...for your own sake.

Narcissistic Bastard

I'm angry! Yet another family is being torn apart by the selfish, self-destructive, bitter behavior of a raging addict. It amazes me every time I hear about people who would rather lose their family, job, friends, health...even their life...rather than confront the truth of their addiction.

In recovery we say that addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. I know that to be true. Yet, I still have a hard time finding any sympathy for someone who simply won't surrender and admit they are powerless over their addiction. Addiction is, at its core, self-protection writ large. Whatever the cause, at some point in your life you needed to protect yourself. Maybe physically but most certainly emotionally. That impulse for self-protection is the first seed sown toward full-blown addiction.

For a narcissist the entire world revolves around them. Every celebration is for them and every problem is about them. Every life event is one more chance to hog the spotlight. I spent many years thinking every eye in every room was trained on me. That every meeting was successful because I took charge. That every event was the best because I was the leader.

Then I got into recovery and had to admit that it's not about me. All I was doing was protecting myself from reality. My addictive behaviors were keeping me from healthy relationships, a healthy lifestyle and the thing I wanted most, genuine love and connection to other people.

You can keep on controlling your life with self-centered, narcissistic behavior. You can manipulate your situations so as to never let anyone close enough to hurt you. You can go on thinking that your way is best right up 'til the moment you die friendless and alone. Or you can get serious about recovery. You can seek out one of the programs that are linked to this page and begin the process with step 1.

Admit that you are powerless and that your life has become unmanageable.

When a Window Opens

My Mother-in-Law died last Friday. My wife and I are on an impromptu trip to Chicago and getting the chance to spend time with family. I have a brother-in-law who struggles with issues that have shown up as addictive behaviors through the years. We're very close and I'm more connected to him than my own brothers.

In all the years I've known him there have been those little windows when I could talk with him about his addictions and he would actually listen. Yesterday I had another of those opportunities.

I don't know if it's the death of his mother or the fact that he was there and powerless to stop the rapid course of events that took her life, but something opened him for a conversation about recovery. The death of a dear loved one can present interesting opportunities. I really hope that he'll act on our conversation and join a recovery program.

If there's someone you love who's being destroyed by their addictive behaviors, look for those windows when they might be open to making a change. You never know when they'll come or what they might look like. But if you're always ready you stand a better chance of taking advantage of them when they happen.

Ignore This and Die

At first glance the title of this post might seem harsh. But what if you were traveling down a highway at 80 miles an hour and the road was washed out just a mile ahead. You're headed toward a deep gully that, should you fall into it, will most certainly kill you. In that case, a posted sign with the words "IGNORE THIS AND DIE" might be seen as a welcome warning.

What if you were headed for an intersection and someone could see a car coming that was, without a doubt, going to run the stop sign and plow into your car on the driver's side killing you for sure. You'd be thrilled if that person held up a sign saying "DANGEROUS INTERSECTION AHEAD, IGNORE THIS AND DIE."

Let's say you're at your computer late one night and across the screen scrolls the following message, "THE CHEST PAINS YOU'RE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE ARE THE FIRST SIGN OF A FATAL HEART ATTACK. IGNORE THIS AND DIE!"

Who wouldn't want to be warned if they were on their way to a certain, excruciating end? The truth is all addicts are on the road to emotional, spiritual, relational and, eventually, physical death. Oddly enough when friends or family or coworkers flag them down with a sign that says "IGNORE THIS AND DIE" the reaction isn't usually relief or gratitude. No, we addicts are offended, hurt or angry that someone might have the nerve to tell us we're on a self-destructive path and should stop what we're doing and seek recovery. How insane is that?

Isn't it time to jump off the train to oblivion that is your addicted life? IGNORE THIS AND DIE!

Where's the Bottom?

There's a man I know about who is drinking himself to death. His wife's about to leave him, his kids find it difficult to spend any time around him and he hardly eats anymore preferring to drink all day long instead. Physically his body is wasting away. His family tried an intervention a couple of years ago and he made a half-hearted attempt to get sober that lasted only a month or two. Unless things change dramatically he will die. And he's not even 60 years old yet. By all accounts his life couldn't be anymore miserable. But apparently he hasn't yet hit bottom.

My father died of alcoholism at age 57. The actual cause of death was a brain hemorrhage beating the alcohol he'd been drinking for over 40 years to the punch. He went through three marriages, was flat broke and living with his sister at the time of his death. He never made any attempt at recovery. Death was his bottom.

Where's your bottom? How much have you lost to addiction? Jobs? Relationships? Finances? Family? The bottom is a curious thing because it's different for everybody. If you're in free fall because of your addiction and you desperately fear that bottom will be the day your heart stops or your head explodes, I have a question. What are you waiting for? What is it about recovery that is more frightening than the inevitable destruction you're facing right now?

If you've hit bottom today click on any one of the links in the right column and start the long hard road of recovery. It won't be easy but it beats the long slide into oblivion you're on right now!