Your Three Most Dangerous Advisors

In just a couple of months I'll mark my thirteenth anniversary in recovery from sex addiction. That doesn't mean I've been sober for thirteen years. It means I've been pursuing recovery for that long. Addiction is a struggle that many never successfully overcome. I certainly spent years trying in vain to succeed in recovery. Today I can admit the biggest reason for the struggle was my reliance on three very flawed advisors.

Me, Myself, and I

It wasn't until the hail Mary pass of a three day intensive intervention with Dr. Doug Weiss that I was confronted with an obvious truth. I was attempting to manage my recovery by my own strength. You see I'm a very strong willed person and determined not to lose. Once I admitted my addiction and sought the tools of recovery I determined to strike out on my own and win the recovery battle. I was smart enough, strong enough and doggone it people liked me (hat tip to Stuart Smalley).

Here's the problem. Those three advisors lived in my head which is the most dangerous neighborhood I know. If I were able to advise myself out of addiction it would've happened long before 2004. If my counsel was so wise and reliable there's no reason I would've fallen into addiction in the first place. I couldn't heal myself. No one can.

Today I've been sober for two years, eight months, and fifteen days. Accomplishing that means I almost never listen to myself (or me, or I for that matter). On those rare occasions when I do listen to me the advice is usually still questionable. Instead I call my sponsor, share with my Celebrate Recovery group, talk with the men I sponsor or seek my wife's opinion. Nothing beats having trustworthy advisors around you. Nothing beats a community of recovery.

Recently I challenged a friend to consider the ways in which he might be leaning too much on his own counsel and understanding. I'll challenge you in the same way. If you're struggling in your recovery chances are you're listening to the three most dangerous advisors that threatened my success. I humbly suggest you stop listening to them today. Seek out more reliable counsel.

Evil Twin

This week a news story broke about a woman from Indiana who had a tumor removed from her brain. The tumor, it turns out, was a mass that included hair, teeth and bone. I don't know if that gives you the total creeps, but it certainly does me! It sounds like the makings of a really scary horror movie.

But as quickly as that story broke this article came out clarifying that the tumor was not an embryonic twin that was undeveloped and had lurked in the woman's brain for 26 years. It was actually some form of germ cells that had coalesced into a tumor called a teratoma. I won't pretend to understand all the science behind it but I immediately connected this to recovery.

There have certainly been times in my recovery where I've identified my addict as this separate entity inside of me that did really bad things. Like an evil twin. Personifying my addict was part of the process I went through to understand my behavior that had wreaked havoc on my marriage and derailed my life. But my addict is not an evil twin.

Addiction is a germ growth. It is sin run rampant. And make no mistake, it has teeth. Addiction is as debilitating as any teratoma (the type of tumor discussed in the story in case you didn't click the link above). And left untreated it can be deadly. Understand this. Recovery is the surgery it takes to deal with this creepy, horror show growth that's ruining your life.

And it's a lifelong process, let's make that clear. Many...me included...start recovery as if it's a day surgery. It isn't.

So if you're in the midst of the struggle against your evil twin stop conferring personhood on your addiction and start treating it like the tumor it is. Get into recovery and get serious about finding healing.

This is Not a Game

When people gather at a recovery meeting there are some who have been in recovery for decades and some for hours and everywhere in between those two extremes. Some have worked the 12 steps multiple times and others have yet to take step one. What is absolutely true for all of us in recovery is this is life and death. It is not a hobby, it's not an optional activity, it's not a casual evening out.

Recovery is a lifetime commitment to face the hurts, habits and hang-ups that hold us back from being fully engaged and both physically and emotionally present in the lives of the ones we love. Instead of retreating to the self-medication of addiction we choose to stay in touch with our feelings and, in so doing, connected to the important people in our lives.

Recently I had the chance to talk about recovery with someone who isn't in it but needs to be...desperately. He may not yet be ready for it, but at least he was open to the conversation. He admitted that when he acts out in his addiction he's usually less tolerant, irritated and edgy with his family. It's a sign of the distance addiction puts between us and our loved ones. And the truth is unless we get into recovery that distance grows until the gap is too great to cross.

Clinging to addiction does incalculable damage and recovery addresses this. However, it doesn't always reverse it. The sooner you admit that your efforts to control your addictive and compulsive behaviors are a miserable failure the more likely you are to avoid unrecoverable damage. As long as you go into recovery fully aware that it's for life, it's for real and it is not a game, you'll have a chance.

Recovery at Church

Celebrate Recovery is a 12 step program birthed at Saddleback Church in California. It has spread to churches worldwide with great success...and lots of struggle. That's because recovery and church don't always play well together.

It is my experience that church is actually a very effective addiction incubator, particularly for those who work in the church. I've met my fair share of pastors and professional church workers who are addicts. This includes addiction to drugs, alcohol, work, power, sex, and all the self-protective mechanisms to which addicts fall prey. Often under the guise of Christian charity or grace the church, in reality, becomes a place where there is little or no accountability or discipline.

Recovery is about admitting your life has become unmanageable, acknowledging that only God has the power to restore us to sanity and establishing rigorous accountability, discipline and transparency with God and people you trust.

This makes recovery programs at church hard to maintain.  People in recovery need rules that don't change. That are fairly and evenly enforced. They need the protection of a disciplined environment where all the stated rules are upheld. Where realistic expectations are expressed and maintained. 'Graciously' bending the rules or allowing 'flexibility' or not expecting rigorous honesty and transparency may seem 'Christian' but these are the death knell to recovery.

I've seen it time and time again when church people in charge of recovery groups...Celebrate Recovery in particular...decide that the rules are malleable. Meeting weekly is 'usual' but can be adjusted. Following the prescribed meeting format is 'typical' but not guaranteed. Holding people to strict adherence to the guidelines is 'preferred' but not insisted upon. This is the sort of approach that is both dangerous for those in recovery and fatally undermines the long term success of the recovery program.

Add to that the typical attitude of the larger church that their recovery ministry is one small part of their overall ministry and primarily for 'those people'. An attitude that completely misses the point that the core principles of recovery are crucial and should be practiced by everyone...without exception. After all addiction is simply a manifestation of sin and, as St. Paul tells us, 'All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.'

Elsewhere we read, 'If we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.' That's not just addicts, that's everyone. The difference between church and recovery is that in church we admit we are sinners. In recovery we admit our sin in enumerated detail.

So the next time you attend a church based recovery program and they start playing fast and loose with the rules, challenge the leaders to get with and stay with the program. Otherwise go find somewhere that does.

Routine - The Bane and Blessing of Recovery

When you were steeped in your addictive behavior you had routines. You may not have recognized them as routines, but they were. You traveled certain routes, visited certain places, hung out with certain people and behaved in certain ways that were predictable...habitual, if you will. These habits helped to sustain your addiction. There was a regularity, a familiarity to the routine that allowed you not to think about what you were doing so you could just do it.

Then you hit bottom (except for those still headed to the bottom).

Once you enter recovery one of the most important things you can do is develop a whole new routine. In fact, if you fail to develop a whole new routine you will most certainly fail at recovery. I can say that with certainty because we are creatures of habit. We are drawn to routine and our old addictive routine will call us back if it has not been replaced by a new routine.

That's one reason why those who are just entering recovery are encouraged to attend a meeting every single day for at least 30 days. If you establish the routine of attending a meeting every day your old routine will be crowded out. If you develop a new group of friends you won't have time for your old group of friends. When you anchor yourself in a new routine of recovery your old routine of addiction is less likely to find a way back into your life.

This is for certain. You are a creature of habit that will gravitate toward routine just as sure as water runs downhill. If you're not intentional about establishing a new routine your old routine will return.

If you don't have a new routine yet, start today. If you do have a new routine, stick with it.

Why One Day at a Time?

If you're in recovery you know how important it is to take one day at a time. To think about maintaining recovery for a week or a month or a year is so overwhelming that when we do that we often just give up.

In the Biblical book of Matthew Jesus says that each days troubles are sufficient for that day. That's an interesting thought. He doesn't say you won't have trouble. He says the trouble you will have today is sufficient for today. Think of it this way, God has baked just the right amount of trouble into your day. Trouble helps refine us. It causes us to confront our weaknesses and shortcomings; our character defects. Without trouble would you be in recovery right now?

The problem comes when we take it upon ourselves to add trouble to a day that already has exactly the right amount of trouble in it. When we do that the recipe is thrown all out of whack. And we end up with a disgusting mess, sometimes so bad we convince ourselves that returning to our addiction is easier than sticking with recovery.

So stop adding trouble to your day. Your day has just the right amount of trouble and if you take life one day at a time you'll have God's strength and the support of your recovery community to deal with it.

I'm Not Fireproof!

I've been away a very long time from this blog.  And, to be honest, I've been away from regular attention to my recovery, as well. Two years ago I accepted a new position that required a move from Colorado back to Illinois. It took me a long time to decide to make the move.  I did a lot of praying and seeking counsel and talking with my wife and family. I felt I was being very good about my due diligence.

One concern I had was that the environment I would be going into was not healthy. I made the mistake of discounting this. I felt I had worked my recovery long enough and diligently enough that I was strong enough to go into an obviously unhealthy place and maintain my health. In terms of my recovery this was a tragic and costly mistake.

For a few months I clung to my commitment to stay in recovery. I attended meetings weekly and tried to hold on to my sanity and sobriety. But I dramatically underestimated the power that unhealthy people and an unhealthy place can have when you put yourself in the middle of it on a daily basis.

Now two years later I've been set free from that place but it's been a year and a half since I've regularly attended any recovery meetings. So there is much work to be done, messes to clean up and a long road ahead. I am not discouraged even though I'm disappointed with myself.  It's a lesson I need to relearn that jumping into a fire thinking your fireproof doesn't keep you from getting burned!

Recovery On The Run

I don't know how long it's been since I posted here, but it's been awhile. I've moved back to Illinois from Colorado, started a new job and am looking for a new place to live. All these are stressful things, any one of which would be enough to derail recovery. Together they really push me to retreat to old, addictive coping mechanisms. It's a daily challenge to keep making healthy choices and, in all honesty, I don't always succeed. No one does. The road of recovery is hard work that requires employing newly learned disciplines and leaning on others in ways I'm still not used to.

No one will tell you recovery is easy and if they do, run because they're selling something that just isn't true. You can't take a pill to get skinny, you can't grow hair with a scalp massage and you can't get recovery with a half effort. Old habits die hard and, in my humble opinion, they never truly die at all. They can wither from neglect or go into hibernation, but just like a bear in springtime they can come alive and devour you if the conditions are right. You can make the effort to see that the conditions are never right. Learn more by going to a recovery meeting. Go tonight. Go now! Your recovery is waiting. So is your addiction.

Unintended Consequences

Have you ever done something in your recovery that you thought was necessary to be true to yourself and the recovery process and had it go terribly wrong? It can happen. Recovery, at times, is an incredibly self-focused exercise. We're learning about our hurts, habits and hang-ups. We're having character defects exposed and, hopefully, dealing with them. Unfortunately recovery isn't done in a monastery set apart from the rest of the world. Sometimes we do things in recovery that may be very good for us, but have unintended consequences in the lives of those around us.

Think of it this way. There's a drive-by shooting aimed at taking out a notorious and dangerous gangster. In the process an innocent ten year old child is struck and killed. It was never the intention of the shooter to kill a child. They might've even considered that shooting in a neighborhood meant there would be kids around. But they went ahead with it anyway. They accomplished a personal goal but inflicted damage that can't be undone. Bullets can't be unfired and when someone is killed you can't bring them back to life.

That's a pretty stark example, but I use it for a reason. In your recovery there will come times when you'll feel a need to take action on one thing or another. What you're considering may have the relational equivalent of firing a gun into a crowd. You might hit your intended target but you take out an innocent bystander or two. This concept is reflected in the ninth step...to make amends whenever possible except when to do so would hurt the person to whom you're making amends or others (innocent bystanders). It can be applied more broadly to any action you think you need to take to advance...or be true to...your recovery.

If you're faced with a decision that you can clearly see might have a high probability of unintended consequences or collateral damage be extremely careful. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying take it under advisement first. Seek wise counsel from a sponsor, accountability partners, pastors, counselors and others. Sit with it for awhile. Unless you're in immediate danger there's nothing wrong with taking a little time to sit with a decision like that to make absolutely certain what you plan to do is the only choice you have. Once you've done that and if you still feel like you have to move forward just make sure you're ready for the collateral damage. You can't unfire a gun. You can't undo a hurt. You can't bring the dead back to life.

Deep and Wide

Seems that the current character defect getting non-stop attention in my life is selfishness. I guess that's because I'm currently working through something that is dragging the depth and width of my selfishness out into the light. It's a big ugly monster that, frankly, I wish I didn't have to look at...or deal with.

But if we're honest in our recovery, then we don't get to be in charge of what character defects we deal with or when we deal with them. Moving through recovery as a way of life means that we will have to examine our character defects and deal with them. And it's not fun. It's hard work that requires a team of people gathered around. Mostly so you don't turn tail and run. Addiction has taught us that there is no character defect, large or small, that can't be ignored. Recovery teaches us that we dare not ignore any character defect.

If you truly desire recovery and the better life that comes with it, then prepare yourself to deal with all your character defects. Whether one at a time or in bunches you will have to expose them to the light of truth. Truth, honesty, discipline and accountability are the tools of recovery. Use all of them to dig out the deep, wide, malignant roots of addiction that are suffocating your soul.

Life Is Hard

I was going to title this post 'Life Makes Recovery Hard' but the truth is life is hard. It's the hard parts of life that triggered my defense mechanisms that originally protected me. Then became habits. Then became addictions.

Yes, life is hard. People are mean. Disappointments happen. Families suck. Friends betray. Loved ones die. These are all true and real things. Things that addiction invites us to avoid. But when I take addiction up on the offer to avoid reality what happens is that reality only gets worse. My relationships falter and collapse. I lose my job. My health fails. As reality gets worse addiction invites me to continue avoiding it more and more aggressively. In recovery we call that insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

In recovery I come to admit my insanity. I expose addiction for what it is, a one trick pony. In recovery when the reality of life hits I go to meetings, talk to my sponsor, meet with accountability people, reach out to mentors and coaches, read the Bible and other recovery books, pray, work the 12 steps. Addiction offers the same solution over and over and over. Drink and feel better. Drug and feel better. Have sex and feel better. Shop and feel better. Pick one and do it until you feel better...or, more honestly, until you feel nothing.

Addiction is like that old saying, 'to the man with only a hammer everything looks like a nail.'

If you've grown tired of addiction being the only tool you have to deal with a hard life, might I suggest you get rid of it and take up the whole shed full of tools that can be found in recovery. Find a group specific to your particular addictive behavior or a general group. I highly recommend Celebrate Recovery which has groups all over the world. When you're ready to deal with the reality that life is hard then, maybe, you're ready for recovery. There's no time like right now to get started.

Defining a Significant Life

Lately God's been taking me through a rigorous process related to a big opportunity I'm considering. It's been exhausting, frustrating and one of the most intense periods of recovery I've had in a couple of years. My recent posts about selfishness might be a tip off to the character defect God's been working on. In case that wasn't obvious enough...God's been working on my selfishness.

He's also been revealing some fear in this, too. Just a couple of days ago I ran smack dab into the middle of a lie I was believing. The lie is one many people, particularly guys, struggle with. It's that I'm responsible for living a life of significance. By that I mean I need to do something with my life that makes a difference.

Now, that's not an awful thing. In fact it's an admirable trait in someone if they strive to make a difference in this world. However, if you're driven by a need to find your value in living a significant life, that's a problem. There are always meaningful things you can do with your life. Be a good father (or mother), volunteer for worthy causes, start a business or a movement or a charity that changes people's lives. But doing those things in order to feel good about yourself or establish some sense of being significant is a goal you'll never achieve.

If you're like me, you'll always be able to find someone who is doing something bigger, better, or what you might define as more significant than you're doing. So you'll be driven to do even more. You'll keep trying to quiet the demons in your head telling you you're not good enough by doing more and more. Eventually you'll run out of time, energy, opportunities and still be stuck with yourself.

Significance is found in a relationship. Specifically a relationship with God who has a plan for your life. Seek his will and, whatever you do, it will be significant. Know deep in your soul that God thinks enough of you that he's sent his son to die on the cross so you can be in an eternal relationship with him. As you work your program and discover this truth you can let go of your addiction driven need to be significant according to the world's standards or to impress your father or get back at those who've hurt you.

Pursue your recovery with all the energy and fervor you can. There's nothing more significant than living a healthy, sober life.

Patience - The Bane of Addictive Living

Have you ever been in a situation that required an immense amount of patience? If you're still in active addiction, probably not. Addicts are not good at waiting. As I've written before, addiction is an exquisite form of selfishness. Selfish people aren't good at waiting for anything. I suspect addicts invented the microwave and the credit card. We don't want to wait to eat, to get paid, to be entertained to do anything!

In recovery there are ample opportunities to practice patience. Working the 12 steps is not a sprint but a marathon. There are some steps you'll sit with for a long time before you're ready to move on. And you are not in charge of the pace. That's a completely novel thought for an addict. The truth that we cannot accelerate our recovery by our own efforts. It will find it's own pace. And you won't like that. I know there are times when I don't.

Patience is a skill that comes in handy for much more than just recovery. If you take recovery seriously you will develop patience. Then you'll find all sorts of opportunities to exercise that patience. It might be waiting on God to lift a burden or working through a challenging situation that simply takes time. In addiction we avoid hard things through self-medication or quit when things get tough. In recovery we discover those are no longer options if we want to be healthy and sober. So, relax and be patient as God teaches you patience!

A Little Latin

As tough as it is to admit to the larger world that I'm in recovery it's sometimes harder to admit how much of a geek I am! But, here goes...in high school I took two years of Latin. Yes, I know, it's a dead language and it makes no sense to study it unless you're planning to be a priest. But the truth is Latin is the base for all the romance languages. Knowing Latin has helped me better understand English.

One of my favorite phrases in Latin is incurvatus in se. It means 'turned in on self' and is the most exquisitely simple definition of both sin and addiction. The first temptation ever given to man was Satan's lie to Eve, 'You can be like God.' He turned the whole focus of human existence inward with that simple lie. You are the center of all things. You can decide right from wrong. You can determine what is true. You, you, you.

Living in sinfulness is living in selfishness is living in addiction. At it's core addiction is selfish. How often have you said, or at least thought, 'You can't tell me what to do?' How many times in your addiction have you thought, 'It's my life and I can do what I want?'

Both of those statements...and hundreds more that are versions of those...are a reflection of selfishness. A reflection of sin. You are not your own. God has created you for a purpose. For his purpose. Until you can admit that you'll be stuck in sin, in selfishness, in addiction. We have to admit that living in the lie that we are in control has gotten us into a whole stinky pile of trouble. We must be ready to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God as we understand God. Short of that there is no remedy. You can't turn out of self a little. You're either turned in on self or you're not. The strange thing is that to stop living incurvatus in se is a choice only you can make. Figure that one out.

It Does Not Mean What You Think It Means

One of my all time favorite movies is The Princess Bride. My favorite character in that movie is Inigo Montoya, played brilliantly by Mandy Patinkin. Wallace Shawn plays an insufferable, ego maniac in charge of a band of villians of which Inigo is part. Shawn's character, Vizzini, keeps decrying things as 'inconceivable'. At one point Inigo turns to Vizzini and says, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

That's a long intro to a truth about recovery. I think most people go into recovery for a very specific issue. I know I did. They have identified drinking or drugging or overeating as the 'thing' they need to work on. On a variation of Inigo's comment when it comes to recovery it is not about what you think it is about. Our behavior is not our addiction. Our behavior is the expression of our addiction and addiction can be expressed in a myriad of ways.

There has been much written and said about the failure rate in 12 step recovery programs and it's true. A lot of people don't make it in recovery and return to addictive behaviors that eventually kill them. If not physically then at least emotionally, spiritually and relationally. I think some of the failure rate has to do with the fact that addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. So it tricks us into thinking that our behavior is the problem and recovery is a tool to stop the behavior. Imagine our surprise when we get into recovery and find that, sometimes, it gets even harder to stop the behavior we went to recovery to deal with.

That's because we go in focusing on the behavior. Everyone knows that when we focus on something we usually get more of it. Diets don't work because we focus on food and the more we focus on food the harder it is to put food in it's proper perspective. If we focus on what psychologists call the 'presenting concern' or the thing that brought us into recovery we risk missing the underlying issues. The problem with underlying issues is that they are often so deeply buried or so terribly traumatic that dealing with them is nearly impossible. That's why we drink, drug, eat and fantasize. Anything to escape confronting the reality of what has happened to us or what we've done to others.

Many people lack the capacity for deep insight. By that I mean they just can't look into themselves and see all their character defects that contribute to the difficulties they experience in life. Difficulties that they have chosen to numb with the behaviors that are now destroying them. To succeed in recovery you have to deal with yourself. Your deepest hurts, your selfishness, your defective defense mechanisms, and all those tools you've acquired, nurtured, polished and cherished which are really isolating and suffocating you. Tools that may have once protected you have become a prison from which your heart and true self cannot escape unless you're willing, through the 12 steps and recovery, to face head-on. Ready to turn your life and your will over to your higher power. To admit that you are powerless over the deep wounds that have manifested in your self-destructive behaviors.

So, if you're an alcoholic...that's not your real problem. A drug addict...not really the core issue. A sex addict...only a surface behavior covering much deeper issues. Compulsive overeater...food is NOT your problem. Until you stop looking for quick fixes for surface issues and get real with what's going on in the depths of your soul...where you've never allowed anyone to go, not even yourself, then you'll never fully realize all the benefits recovery can bring. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

Long Time Gone

Can't believe it's been since August of 2009 since I posted here. Perhaps that's a reflection of my own recovery journey. Fall of 2009 and throughout 2010 I've been going through a new cycle of intense recovery focus. It happens.

Recovery is a lifelong process and one that has periods of rest, periods of restlessness and periods of growth...painful growth. I entered recovery over six years ago expecting to get 'fixed' and move on with my life. Come to find out getting 'fixed' is a lifelong pursuit. Probably should've known that. As a Christian we call that sanctification. The process we walk through all the years on this earth being refined and molded by God.

Have you ever seen something get molded? Usually a substance that is without any shape or form gets forced into a mold. It gets squeezed, pushed, pressured and, sometimes, heated. Out the other end of this process something with clear definition, shape, purpose and usefulness comes out. A good definition for recovery, I think.

We go in a blobby mess having lived lives of no accountability, no boundaries, and no common sense. When we work the program, go through the 12 steps, engage with a sponsor, establish disciplines and work tirelessly to surrender our lives and our wills to a power great than ourselves something miraculous happens. We take shape. We become identifiable as people. Our wayward years are redeemed and become useful for helping others. We enter into meaningful, sustained relationships with other healthy people and we become beacons of hope for those who follow behind us.

This side of heaven none of us will ever be perfect. Lord knows I'm certainly not and don't expect to be. I seek progress not perfection and I thank God for the progress he's made in my life these last many months. It would be nice to have a period of rest, but I think there's more work to be done in the short term. I'm ready. Are you?

The Power of Story

Tonight we heard a powerful testimony at our Celebrate Recovery meeting. The best thing about a testimony is that it's a true life story. I can bore you with statistics about the realities of addiction all day long and it won't mean a thing. But when I tell my story or you hear the story of another addict who's found a whole new life through recovery, that has impact.

The story of an addict is a story of pain, abandonment, abuse, loss and struggle. So when you hear someone tell their story you are also hearing your story. You begin to realize you're not alone in the life experiences that have been so devastating. You start to sense the tiniest glimmer of hope that if someone with a story like yours can find a new life in recovery, then maybe you can, too.

The thing is, to hear the stories of those in recovery you have to go to places where recovery happens. Celebrate Recovery is a great place but any of the addiction links over there on the right will take you to places where you can find help. Go there now and start the process of seeing your story in the context of the bigger story of successful recovery.

Relax, You're With Family

I'm attending the Celebrate Recovery Leadership Summit at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA this week. Nearly 3600 attendees from churches of all sorts of denominations, communities and sizes all joined together by a common bond. Recovery. It's interesting, but when you get thousands of recovering addicts together all the other labels fall away.

Today I had the privilege of hearing the stories of two other men at the conference as we shared together in small group. We shared things with each other that few, if any outside the circle of recovery know. Let me explain. We met each other for the very first time and, within minutes, were sharing deep, personal, painful details about our lives. Why? Because we are in a safe place where this kind of vulnerability and honesty is not only invited but expected.

That's what true recovery can do for you. It can give you a whole new family like most of us have never experienced. A family that genuinely cares for you and about you. A family that accepts you no matter what you've done or where you've been, and I mean no matter what! Recovery is the safest of places for you to begin the rigorous work of healing the deepest hurts of your life.

You're welcome to join the family. What's keeping you from us?

Celebrate Recovery Summit

I'm headed to the Celebrate Recovery Summit today. It's an annual gathering of folks from around the world who have a Celebrate Recovery ministry at their church or are looking to start one. Celebrate Recovery (CR) is a Christian 12 step program that is open to anyone with a "hurt, hang-up or habit".

If you're struggling with addiction and looking for a safe place to begin working through the 12 steps, I highly recommend CR. It's not for everyone. You may need the stronger, in your face approach that can be found in addiction specific groups like AA or NA. Whatever it takes to get you moving out of addiction you need to start doing...today!

What Is Sobriety?

I had the chance to participate in a lively discussion last night about how we determine sobriety. It was a confidential meeting so I won't be sharing any details of the discussion. However, it triggered my thoughts for this post.

When it comes to drugs and alcohol sobriety is a pretty easy mark. You didn't drink, you're sober. You did drink, you're not. Thinking about drinking or craving a drink isn't drinking. But what about other addictions like food or sex. Now it's a little more complex. I have to eat to stay alive. Does that mean a food addict can never achieve sobriety? NO! Eating has a proper place in our lives. Food addicts, or compulsive over eaters, are people who go beyond normal food consumption. And not all compulsive over eaters are overweight. You can be slender and lean and still use food as an inappropriate coping mechanism.

Sex is also a natural function of human relationships. However, a sex addict uses sex for control, comfort, stress relief and many other things it's not intended for. Sex addiction support groups will tell you that abstaining does not equal sobriety. There must be another measure.

The definition of sobriety for compulsive overeating, sex addiction and other types of addictions can be difficult but it always hinges on a person's ability to be honest and insightful. In other words, a food addict knows internally if the food they're eating is for sustenance or for an addictive fix. As a person in recovery for compulsive overeating myself I can tell you that I know pretty much every time when my eating is driven by addiction not healthy appetite. That means I know when I'm sober and when I'm not. That's the insight part of it and that insight develops the longer I'm in recovery. The honesty part comes when it's time to admit to myself and another human being when I'm eating out of my addiction. Beyond that it requires that I find healthy replacements for compulsive overeating and live in sobriety.

What about you? Are you living sober? Are you being honest with yourself about the things you do that are driven by your addictive needs? Do you even have the insight to identify when you're acting out of addiction? Somewhere inside you know. It might just be a sneaking suspicion at this point. But when you get serious about recovery you'll gain greater insight. You'll start to clearly see when you're acting out of addiction and when you're sober. Then you'll have to be honest about it. Then you'll be on the road to living a sober life.

Why not start today?